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Good Friday - It's Not About Me
Thank goodness that we celebrate Easter for an entire week (actually 8 days!) because I have been extremely busy for the last week, and I haven't had the chance to say anything about the most important solemnity of the year. Happy Easter! He is Risen! Continuing my previous thought though, you know what, being busy is OK. Obviously, I'd like to have been able to have some more free time and be able to write some more posts (and do other things), but I have slowly come to realize over this Easter that my life absolutely has to be about God, and what He wants me to do, not what I want to do. I'm hoping to churn out a few posts over the next several days all encompassing (or at least relating back to) this all-important point because over everything else that has been going on it is this idea that keeps hitting me. I guess I have some work to do!
Alright, first story: being a subdeacon... After finishing up my classes on Holy Thursday, I endured the long drive home and made it back in time to go to the Mass of the Lord's Supper that evening. As I have mentioned in the past, we (the family) attend Mass at St. Rose, which is staffed by the F.S.S.P. and has Mass in the Extraordinary Form. Anyway, I ended up helping out at the end of Mass when they transferred the Eucharist to the reserve Tabernacle and needed a thurifur (interesting fact: it's harder than you think to spin around, incense the Blessed Sacrament, and then continue walking forward without tripping or running into the priest).
That evening, knowing at this point that I was going to have to be subdeacon for the rest of the Easter Triduum (and not really wanting to), I spent a lot of time praying that God's Will be done and that I'd have the strength and courage to do it. (Another thing that I learned: don't think that by kneeling the entire 3 hours on Holy Thursday night impresses anybody, but yeah, it does hurt the knees, and thighs, and back...) Back onto topic: I really wasn't scared of what I would have to do for subdeacon - that sort of thing you can learn in practice - but I was very uncomfortable stepping into that role. It turned out to be a good - though long - evening of prayer; I had some quality time to think about things, offer them up, and realize that my doing subdeacon was a small way to become a bit more like Christ, especially as we were in the midst of recalling His Passion. I mean, there I am - trying to spend some time in prayer, as Jesus asked His disciples to do - and it's really hard to complain to Him about being subdeacon when He accepted from God a much, much, harder task.
On Good Friday morning I went for a short run (we are back in the swing of training for a mini-marathon) before myself and my brother headed over to church to do some training for the liturgy that would take place that afternoon. We returned home after the hour-long practice and found that one set of cousins/aunt/uncle had arrived. It was one of those things, I wasn't looking forward to the whole subdeacon thing, but I always enjoy hanging out with my extended family immensely, so that took my mind off the whole thing. We attended Stations of the Cross at noon, followed by a small collation (don't get to use that word too often...) of PB&J's and apples. 3 PM eventually did roll around though, and so back to church I went, feeling at peace with the whole thing but still kind of wishing that I didn't have to. We (Father, the deacon, and myself) vested in albs/cinctures, with amice and biretta (the first time I had worn either of those) and out we went - them, probably meditating on Christ's passion, me, on the "outfit" I was wearing. However, my selfish focus wore off pretty quickly when the liturgy began with us prostrating ourselves for a minute on the marble floor of the sanctuary; it was a cold, hard, reminder that His will is more important than mine! There were a set of prayers/readings that were chanted (during which I didn't have to do much of anything) and then the Passion was chanted (again, I was just standing there). Next we had the veneration of the cross. My part was simple: stand next to Father and help him slowly unveil the (large and heavy) crucifix. It wasn't perfect (I missed one of my genuflections), but nothing went up in flames, or broke, or was invalid, so that's alright. Then we took off our shoes and walked up to venerate the cross (now supported by two servers) - again reminding me that it has to be about Him, about His will, about loving God and giving yourself entirely to His Will (not about my qualms about wearing a biretta, acting as subdeacon, and everything else)... The last part of the liturgy went quickly - there was just the distribution of Holy Communion, a few more prayers/readings, and then the procession out, but it was the most uncomfortable and difficult moment for me because this was when I had to put on a tunicle (which looks really similar to the dalmatic which a deacon wears). As I mentioned before, canonically it's fine for a layman to fill the position of subdeacon (in case of necessity), but I sure didn't feel ready to do so. Anyway, I put it on, we finished up the liturgy, and that was that. It wasn't quite as bad as I thought, and the world didn't end when I put it on, but what struck me was how heavy it was. It wasn't like unbearably weighty, just dense. It's hard to explain, but I couldn't really forget that it was there, it felt like that lead vest they put over you when you have dental x-rays (I've had plenty of practice with those), but of course, in the liturgy celebrating Good Friday, it had a lot more meaning. It reminded me (again) that my job in life is to discern, and do, the will of God. Sometimes that will be enjoying the company of people you love, sometimes that will be struggling to stay awake when squinting for 5 hours, sometimes that will be staying up till midnight praying, and sometimes that will be doing something you don't want to do, stepping outside of your comfort zone, (literally) picking up that cross, or yoke, or tunicle.
After the liturgy we spent a few minutes talking with other people in the parking lot and many were excited that I got to do subdeacon. I was certainly less enthusiastic than they were (probably need to work on being more positive), but one person said something to the extent that "I bet that made you think about your vocation didn't it?" And it did! Being in that position, and not really wanting to be there, made me think about the call to priesthood. I don't want to keep using the same phrase, but priesthood is not about me. It's about giving myself completely to God, and to bringing souls to Heaven for Christ. It's not like as soon as I'm ordained everything will become comfortable and I'll love doing everything. Sometimes I am going to have to step into tough situations, do things for people that I don't want to do, or just put myself out there in some way.
Sorry, this will have to be continued... It's now midnight and Mass will come early tomorrow. Gosh, I am so sorry to not have gotten out any posts the last week, but after a few tests, and quizzes, and presentations, and miscellaneous assignments, and going out to eat, and training for the mini-marathon, and practicing for schola, oh, and praying, and reading, and studying - and I just didn't have any time. Again, I really, really hope to get more written this week (especially since I haven't finished even this whole story, much less all the other ones that tie into it, much less the entire realization of learning to follow Christ more fully...) My plan is to pump out shorter posts, more often - hopefully that way I'll actually be able to get some completed throughout the last week of classes and finals week. Hope springs eternal!
Seriously though, I hope that all of you had an amazing, blessed, truly joyful Easter! Happy Divine Mercy Sunday! Pope Saint John Paul II and Pope Saint John XXIII pray for us!
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