Open Wide the Doors for Christ!

As promised, here's the second half of my experience as subdeacon, and how it forced me to do some serious discernment and deepening of my relationship with God.

On Holy Saturday morning, myself and my brother headed over to St. Rose to practice for the Easter Vigil that we would both be assisting at that evening (him as MC, myself as subdeacon).  I won't go into the whole practice, because that would be really repetitive once I explained the liturgy itself, but it was a moment of resignation to God's Will.  Now that I had been subdeacon once, at the Good Friday liturgy the day

I practiced chanting a bit that afternoon, trying to smooth out the transitions between words and make sure I knew the starting note, cadence, emphasis, and other important details.  It took several run-through's before I got through the entire thing without mis-pronouncing, or mis-singing something, but by that evening I was feeling reasonably confident that I wouldn't completely mess them up.  I spent plenty of time hanging out with my cousins - playing outside, chatting, struggling through some Mario Kart - and we had several delicious meals (thanks mom!), and around 9:30 PM we all headed over for the vigil Mass.

What struck me was that the whole experience wasn't nearly as daunting and overwhelming as I thought it would be.  For Good Friday I thought that being subdeacon would be incredibly difficult, and it wasn't easy by any means, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.  On Holy Saturday, again, I thought that things would be impossible - complex, tricky, important, uncomfortable - and, again, it wasn't easy, I certainly had to throw myself out there, learn to do new things, push myself out of my comfort zone, but it wasn't really all that bad.  I didn't quite enjoy myself, but I started to see the positives and not the negatives, how the experience was leading me to grow, to giving myself more to others, to abandon myself a bit more to God.  Certainly God's grace was working!  

The ceremony began with the blessing of the Paschal candle and the Exultet, during which my only task was to hold the crucifix - a simple task, but one that became taxing on the arms after 20 minutes or so.  I was already vested in tunicle, amice, and alb - which was a bit less unpleasant than on Good Friday, but still felt weird - and what kept going through my head was the fact that I would soon have to chant one of the four lessons (going through salvation history).  As it always seems to happen, time kept going forward, and eventually the Exultet finished, I set the cross down, and the readings started.  I had a few more minutes before mine (while the first two were chanted), but then had to step up to the ambo, take a deep breath, and start chanting.  I was nervous, and sweating, and afraid, but the first word came out pretty well and then everything just flowed smoothly until the end (like a minute later).  Following that - summarizing a lot - I eventually got the cross again, we had the blessing of the baptismal water, the renewal of baptismal promises, the second half of the litanies, and then Easter Mass!  Unfortunately, most of the Mass I was concerned with what I had to do next, so I wasn't paying too much attention, but it was a beautiful, exciting, joyous ceremony.  Simplifying things greatly, I basically followed the deacon's cues on where to stand/move and the only exceptional things that I did were to chant the epistle (thankfully it was short, I started on a note that I could hold throughout, and I held the melody throughout - success again!  Thank you God!) and hold the paten during the canon and consecration (another somewhat awkward moment, but one that brought me closer to Christ as I knelt there and adored my risen savior in the Eucharist).  The rest of Mass spun along as usual - I didn't invalidate anything, or light anything on fire, or otherwise make too many mistakes - and then the triumphant closing hymn began and we processed out.  

Looking back, I have just begun to see the positives of the whole experience.  Of course, as I think I've been emphasizing (probably too much), being subdeacon was hard.  Not so much in the sense that what I did was difficult, even the chanting wasn't terribly scary, but I just didn't feel ready to step into that role, to put on the amice, and tunicle, and beretta.  I think I was scared of the reminder that the whole experience evoked in me of what I was in seminary for - to become a priest - and that ordination is a (God-willing) fast-approaching reality.  Ordination, now 4 years out (if everything goes as usual) is something that I don't think about too much - it's scary, it's putting myself totally in God's service, it's a commitment to live like Christ, which is audacious, incredible, beautiful, and terrifying - but being subdeacon reminded me of that eventual goal.  It put me in a position much closer to the priest than ever before; I had a part in the liturgy unlike "just" serving or reading.  However, by offering up the whole ordeal/experience to Christ, I was able to bring myself a bit closer to Him, to more deeply love Him at least a little bit (especially because it was during the triduum).  I guess I see the whole experience as a sort of Good Friday or Holy Saturday.  Obviously, it was nothing like the suffering and death of Our Lord, but it did involve a bit of suffering and dying to self, something that always seems necessary for holiness.  But something that I have come to realize is that in being subdeacon - certainly it was hard, it was death to self - but it was also Easter, it was also a moment that God filled with grace.  The Paschal mystery is all about how God bring good out of evil - specifically the greatest good of salvation out of the worst evil, the death of Jesus.  Through the smidgen of suffering and fear that I endured in being subdeacon, He brought me closer to Himself.  God made me realize that being a priest entails precisely this kind of laying down of my life for God and for all of His children.  You know what, seminary is a lot of fun, even during finals week (right now) there's a camaraderie and excitement to being with all the other guys and knocking out finals together.  Seminary is about turning yourself over to Christ, but it doesn't hurt all that much usually.  Being subdeacon wasn't much fun, I really, really, didn't want to do it.  Yet, in doing it, I was brought closer to Christ than in doing the hard things (that are fun) in seminary.  Those moments allowed me to realize things that I hadn't thought about during many hours in prayer, the hardest of finals, or my favorite passages of Scripture.

Yeah, so in conclusion I guess I learned to trust more in God.  Not only that He would get me through doing hard and fearful things, but that He is capable of bringing great good out of things that I can't find good in, or I find very difficult.  Reliance on God - it's easy to think about and hard to live out, but such is the goal of sanctity.  Jesus I trust in You!

As the title says: Happy New Year!  I had a great time on Sunday/Monday hanging out with other Springfield seminarians.  They are a bunch of absolutely top-notch guys and an absolute blast to spend time with.  As usual, we stayed that the Villa Maria, which is a retreat center that the diocese owns right off of lake Springfield.  Everyone arrived around 3PM on Sunday and we spent some time mostly chatting until around 4 when some priests from the diocese arrived.  The Christmas gathering is our chance to not only hang out as seminarians but also to get to know some of the priests of the diocese (which I did).  We had evening prayer at 4:30, followed by some snacks (more chatting), and then dinner (which was composed of salad, rolls, roast beef, shepherds pie [really good!], mashed potatoes, and cheesecake).  There are two new guys who are entering Brute this coming up semester, which is fantastic (they are also brothers, which is even cooler), and I had the chance to talk with them some over dinner.  After dinner most of the priests took off, though we still had a good time joking, chatting, and (I'm running out of words to describe spending time together...) hanging out.  It was a wonderful time, and I stayed up almost until midnight talking with the other guys.  The next morning we had Mass at 8:00, followed by breakfast, and then a talk by the bishop.  He touched on many of the topics that often come up these days - gay marriage, Pope Francis, the new evangelization - all things we need to be aware of and knowledgeable about.  Many of the guys chimed in with their ideas on each topic and it turned into a really good conversation.  Then we had lunch and then everybody drove off their separate ways.  And that, at least very summarized, was the Christmas get-together!  (I also had some good chances to pray.  There is a chapel at the villa, and for whatever reason, I often pray really well in a place that is different than usual.)

I raced back to Quincy that afternoon and got back in time to go over to St. Rose for a serving practice.  Unexpectedly (at least to me), the Bishop (along with the Quincy deanery) decided to turn St. Rose into a parish, and so we had to figure out how to do a pontifical Mass.  St. Rose is staffed by the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter, who's charism is to provide the faithful with the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, and so, Mass with a bishop is rather complicated and different than the typical high-Mass that we have each Sunday.  Two summers ago the Bishop celebrated Mass at St. Rose, but that also included the consecration of the altars, confirmation, and a Corpus Christi procession, so it was way more complicated than the Mass he said today.  (I have the video of that liturgy in 2012 on YouTube if you want to see what it was like...)  Anyway, practice lasted nearly 2 hours because we kept trying to hash out how different things would happen.  The sanctuary gets pretty cramped when you throw a Bishop, Deacon, Sub-deacon, and a dozen servers up there, so it took pretty long to figure out exactly what each person would have to do, and where they could fit.  

That evening my brother, a friend from church, and myself went out for pizza and some bowling.  We had a good evening - the pizza was great (pizza buffet = wonderful), and bowling was fun (though none of us even broke 100 in a single game...), and all-in-all it was a good time.  We goofed off a bit, trying different crazy methods to roll the ball down the lane - sliding, sideways, backwards, two hands, no hands, heavy, light...  We tried them all!  I just wish my Wii bowling skills would transfer into real life!  

On Tuesday I spent the morning running around knocking things off my to-do list.  First it was the eye-doctor, then the bank, then the doctor to get my immunization updated (yay!), and then it was off to noon Mass at St. Rose.  After Mass I met up with Corey Bruns, a fellow seminarian from Brute who was born in Quincy (and has family here), but is now a seminarian from Owensboro KY, and we went to Maid-Rites for lunch.  It was actually Corey's idea, but I was glad to get the chance to go there anyway.  (Besides, how do you beat a maid-rite and chocolate shake for lunch?)  We had a good time just chatting about how our breaks had been.  Apparently, Corey's was, if this is even possible, more hectic and busy than mine!

I actually don't remember what I did Tuesday afternoon - I was busy, but with what?

And that folks, will have to be all for now.  It is almost midnight, and despite my intention to write about Mass today, I do want to get some sleep!  I sincerely hope to get that written tomorrow or the next day!  (But whenever I say that something always seems to come up...)  

Say a prayer for all us seminarians to Mary Mother of God - she must be an exemplar to us all, and certainly is a mother to us all!  Think about how amazing it is that God has a human mother - just crazy!  May I recommend entrusting 2014 to her care!

Well, as I have said before this summer has been absolutely flying by.  I guess I will have to have a post here later about the upcoming semester, but for now I'm just going to let you know what has happened today.  As always, there is something to be learned from everyday life.

This morning dad and I went for a run - well, dad went for a run, I went for something more resembling a crawl.  Dad chose this particular route the goes from our house and then hits the hills - and they never stop...  We (as always) blew through the first mile.  Dad has this nifty GPS running watch and at one point it said that we were hitting a 6:15 min/mile.  Anyway, that didn't last long.  I guess I figured that I was in OK shape - sure I hadn't ran that much this summer, but I wasn't out of shape by any means.  If I could run 13 miles on flat terrain back in May, certainly 5 of 6 miles on hilly terrain would be doable, right?  (wrong)  After a few hills I started slowing down and dad slowly pulled away.  On the last mile I was pretty worn out (even with the slow pace) and my feet hurt (because I just got a new pair of shoes), and my pride hurt (because dad was nowhere in sight), and so I stopped to fix my shoes.  That pause was just about to the top of the last big hill, so I was looking at somewhat more flat trek to get home (still a bit uphill, but getting easier), and I, for whatever reason, thought about martyrdom and how (being the humble person I am) I figured that I'd have the courage to be a martyr.  Then, as I should have expected, my next thought was like "could you even run all the way home?" - Of course, I didn't hear a booming voice from Heaven or anything, but I certainly knew that God was challenging me (in a tiny way).  With that in mind, I forced myself to run all the way home; yeah it hurt, but there was no way I was stopping (God has a sense of humor too, the lights all were green).  So I found two things out during the run, I'm not in as good of shape as I thought, and I'm also not as humble as I need to be.  I guess that I'll be working on both those deficiencies during this coming semester.

Moving on:  Mass today was beautiful.  As you may know, I frequently attend the Extraordinary Mass at St. Rose.  Fr. Fromageot, who recently moved in as our assistant priest, was (so I have been told) previously the schola director at the FSSP's seminary in Denton NE.  Either way, he has a wonderful voice and knows how to use it.  Fr. Devillers said Mass at 11:00 AM this morning, so Fr. Fromageot was able to assist the choir.  It was incredible the amount that the choir improved with a little coaching before Mass and Fr. Fromageot's extra voice pulling them all together.  Kudos to all of them!  Father is having a "chant workshop" on Wednesday that I may squeeze in before heading back to Bruté on Thursday.  Should be interesting (and challenging). 

This afternoon the family (and I) went out to Siloam Springs, a state park 30-40 minutes from Quincy.  We had a delicious picnic, threw a Frisbee around for a while, did a short hike, cracked some incredibly bad (but very funny to us) puns, and overall had a wonderful afternoon.  What can I say, I love being home with the family, but at the same time I look forward to being back at seminary.  Really can't beat life right now - I have a blast when I am at home, and I have a blast when I am in seminary.  God has blessed me so much!

I hope all your Sunday's were fantastic - mine was!  If you would though, say a quick prayer for an intention of mine.  Thanks!