Showing posts with label Discernment. Show all posts

After the Ordination - Dinners, Volleyball, Candidacy, 1st Masses, Goodbye's - Entrusting Myself to God



Myself, After receiving a 1st blessing from Fr. Arisman
After the ordination on Saturday morning, I helped to “unset” the altar (put away chairs, take the sacred vessels back to the sacristy, etc.) and then divested from my cassock/surplice/collar (thank goodness – I could finally breathe!).  I got back into by suit/tie and went out into the nave of the cathedral and jumped in line to receive a first blessing from Fr. Seth Brown.  As it turned out, mom and dad were just a few people in front of me, so they joined me in the back of the line and I got to fill them in on what I had been up to over the past few days (Alex didn’t make it because he had the flu or something).  We talked a bit with the people around us (I introduced them to some of the other guys who had joined the line behind us) and then got a beautiful blessing from Fr. Seth.  Unfortunately, I don’t remember the words that he used because they were incredibly beautiful – in a simple, excited, loving, concerned way.  We then walked over to the other side of the cathedral and joined Fr. Steve Arisman’s line (which was considerably longer).  It also went pretty quickly, and again his blessing was incredibly touching.  For mom and dad he asked God to continue to bless them, showing in their love the love of the Trinity, and strengthening and enlivening their marriage.  For me he asked God to strengthen my vocation and form me into a good and holy priest.  Obviously, I am missing huge portions of these blessings – but overall there was a certain tenderness and profundity to them that your typical-old-blessing just usually doesn’t have – it was really cool!  After the blessings, we went down into the basement under the cathedral school and had a tasty little luncheon of sandwiches, pasta salad, and cake.  Mom and dad took off after several minutes and I joined the group of Bruté guys, who were hanging out with one of the priests of the diocese.  After another several minutes, with the party starting to disperse, our conversation also ended, and I caught a ride with Dcn. Stone back to the Villa Maria.  [picture of myself with newly ordained Fr. Steve Arisman]

Once back at the villa, pretty much everybody took a quick nap (myself included), and then around 5 PM most of the remaining guys (some had gone home) headed out to celebrate with the individual newly-ordained-priests.  I went to Fr. Seth’s reception/dinner which was at his parish about 45 minutes from the villa.  I rode with Jason again – why take two cars when you’re going the same place? – and we got there just in time for the small celebration.  Matching his personality perfectly, Fr. Seth’s “party” was extremely modest – with just a smattering of seminarians (some Springfield guys as well as friends of Seth’s from other dioceses) and his family and close friends.  Dinner was delicious: pork loin, rolls, salad, baked potatoes, green beans, and cake – and I spent the meal talking with a few of the other Bruté guys as well as some seminarians from Mundelein (from other dioceses).  It was a fun, quite, simple evening!  After the meal I said my congratulations to Fr. Brown again and he courteously asked about my plans for the summer – it was so like him: just quietly listening to my plans for the summer and wishing me luck.  He will make a phenomenal priest! 

Around 7:30 we took leave of Seth’s party, this time with a full car-load (some of the other guys piled into Dcn. Stone’s car to catch a ride over to Fr. Arisman’s party).  As we drove up to the K of C hall about 20 minutes later, I was bemused to hear music blasting.  I chuckled to think of how different Fr. Steve was from Fr. Seth.  As it turned out, the music was out behind the hall (which shared a building with a restaurant), so it wasn’t exactly for the celebration of an ordination, but it was still funny to compare the different between the two parties.  Though I wasn’t hungry at all, I got a small slice of pizza and some beer.  The pizza was great, the beer was, well beer, (it was my second beer since turning 21 and I am not at all used to the taste, so I can’t really stand the flavor yet).  Fr. Steve was wandering around greeting and talking to people and when he got to the Bruté table he quickly roped us into a game of volleyball with some kids who were present.  I wasn’t really feeling a game of volleyball – I had just ate, I was wearing dress pants, shirt, and tie, and I’m not any good at volleyball – but he convinced me (I am trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone and I knew that I’d enjoy it either way), so out we went.  It was a fun little game.  We played like the family plays tennis: if the ball is still moving it’s still in play J, so that made my mistakes less obvious and the game more fun.  However, after about 20 minutes of that we went back inside only to find that the Mundelein guys (from other dioceses) were interested in playing a game.  I was much more reticent to play this game – surely they would be more competitive – but again, I let myself get talked into it…  Again, though, it was a fun game!  I found that I wasn’t as bad as I thought (especially once I got the hang of hitting the ball with my palm, not punching it, and risked my clothing with a few dives to save the ball).  We played three games, had a blast, got all sweaty, and Bruté ended up winning!  We headed back inside, drove back to the villa, and went to bed – it was a long, exciting, blessed, sacred, fun, and awesome day!
The Cathedral before my admission to candidacy
The next morning, unlike everybody else, I woke up early (7 ish), took a shower, got dressed in suit/tie, said matins and lauds, had another tasty breakfast (fruit, cereal, cinnamon rolls, hash-browns, etc.), and then drove myself over to the cathedral for 10 AM Mass.  Most of the other guys weren’t going because they didn’t have to be there (only at the first Masses later that day), but I had to be there because that was the day chosen for me to receive/enter (don’t know the right terminology…) candidacy.  Usually this is a step that guys take once they get into upper seminary, but the NAC requires guys to have it before they arrive, so I was blessed to do it in the Cathedral in front of the bishop!  Candidacy is a further commitment, on the part of the seminarian, to continue his formation towards becoming a priest, and the further acceptance, on the part of the bishop and diocese, to accept and endorse the seminarian.  I had written a letter to the bishop a month before (or so) basically requesting that I be admitted and confirming my intention to continue on towards the priesthood.  It actually is a pretty big deal – about the closest that I’ll come to “signing on the dotted line” before getting ordained a deacon (I think).  Mass was completely typical, if you consider a Sunday Mass celebrated by the bishop at the cathedral typical, except for the simple ceremony after the homily in which I verbally made this commitment.  Dcn. Larry (who was “deaconing” the Mass), said something to the effect of “for the admission to candidacy, may Dominic Joseph Rankin come forward”, with a booming voice and I had to stand up, say “present”, and walk up into the sanctuary (from the first pew where I was attending Mass with mom and dad, who had come for the occasion).  Then the bishop said two questions to me:  “In response to the Lord’s call are you resolved to com­plete your preparation so that in due time you will be ready to be ordained for the ministry of the Church?” and “Are you resolved to prepare yourselves in mind and spirit to give faithful service to Christ the Lord and his body, the Church?” to which I responded “I am”.  It was a simple little moment, but I was actually listening to those questions (duh!) and it kind of hit me in that split second that I was committing myself to something huge.  Seminary, most of the time, is just one day on top of another – classes, serving, praying, eating, having fun, discerning, etc. – and it is all-too-rarely that I think of the immense calling that I am discerning and preparing.  I was so glad to “do” candidacy at the cathedral, but even more than that, I was glad to do it over this weekend where I had just seen Steve and Seth get ordained.  It filled me this excitement – I could be in their shoes in 4 short years! – but it also fills me with apprehension – will I be ready? Will I be capable?  It was the same questions that had shot through my mind the day before, but this time they were even more clear and obvious.  Gosh, the priesthood is an incredible calling, but it is also a supernatural one, I need to rely on God so much more, to love Him so much more, to follow Him so much more closely, and to be so much more dedicated to Him (and less attached to everything else…)  I love to listen to or read great homilies, and I usually am sort of thinking about how I can make my writing/speaking that cool, awesome, compelling, and enthusiastic, but the fact is that that kind of awesomeness and enthusiasm only comes from God.  It’s not that I can’t think of myself as humanly capable – those difficulties (speaking, writing, knowing, serving) can be learned, but if I’m to be a great priest the only way is going to be relying on, and totally loving, God.  Yeah, so I’ve got a lot of work to do, but more importantly, I have to let God do the working...  We also carried up the gifts (haven’t done that in a while), and otherwise Mass continued as usual – but I had a lot of thinking to do.

After Mass, to my surprise, Fr. Alford (now the vocation director if you didn’t already know) and Bishop Paprocki agreed to go out to breakfast with us.  Beforehand, I just invited some of the other “sems” to go out to breakfast, but Dcn. Stone was the only one there (and he had already had a big breakfast), so I just threw it out for the bishop and Fr. Alford, and – surprise! – they agreed.  We went to a nice restaurant inside of a hotel, which was totally empty (fine with me) and had some pretty tasty food.  It was cool to spend an hour or so talking with the bishop – about Rome, about running, other such things…  It was cool!

St. Agnes before Mass
After that mom and dad took off and I drove over to St. Agnes (Fr. Steve’s parish).  Fr. Arisman was going to have his first Mass there at 3 PM, and it was only 1 or so, but the extra time allowed me to scope things out and think about what serving would entail (a month or two ago he asked me to MC for his first Mass).  I was thrilled to be serving, especially as [assistant] MC, but I wasn’t terribly knowledgeable with the ins and outs of a first Mass, especially with the numbers of concelebrants and servers that would be showing up.  Thankfully, another seminarian from Denver (I think?), by the name of Luke had been chosen as head MC, so that took a lot of the pressure off of yours truly!  After saying mid-day prayer, and spending a few moments thanking Our Lord for the wonderful weekend that He had given me, I saw that Luke had arrived and so I went and began to work with him on planning everything out.  As I said, I was extremely thankful that he was there – not only was he more knowledgeable, but he was also much more prepared (he had handouts explaining all the positions, where people would be, which priests would do which part of the Eucharist Prayer, etc.).  We spent probably 30 minutes hashing things out between us and then I was tasked with trying to communicate what I knew with the servers who had arrived.  I kept running up against things that I didn’t know the answer to (when did we need the boat bearer, whether all the servers would fit on the altar, intricacies of the procession, etc.), but I just kept asking around or coming up with answers on the spot, and we got through most of the Mass for most of the guys.  I kind of ran out of time, so in the end I was just hoping that they knew what they were doing (maybe not the best assumption, but it worked out). 

During Mass
Mass was beautiful!  It began with an impressive procession - probably a dozen seminarians and at least 20 priests and deacons, with the (large) choir beginning the Mass with Ave Verum Corpus, Anima Christi, and then Go Up to the Altar of God - all phenomenal hymns.  Basically, everything was done in as awesome a manner as was possible (I was thrilled).  Also, I didn't have too much to worry about at this time (after showing the priests/deacons their places), so I could - for the most part - just sit there and enjoy it.  I did have to worry a bit about the Gospel procession - which could have gone smoother - but Dcn. Stone got to his place eventually, and things worked out in the end.   Fr. House's homily (often at their first Mass a newly ordained priest chooses another priest to give the homily) - about obedience, and how it is a crucial part if every Christian's life (and isn't just submission, but is also our emulation of Christ, and His love - sorry, I was distracted at the time and it has been two weeks since then, so I don't remember the rest of the excellent homily).  For the Liturgy of the Eucharist, I had a few more things to worry about - making sure everything was carried over to the altar, the thurifur was at hand, and guys knew when to make their moves, etc.  They all pretty much knew what was going on (and Luke was keeping a better eye on things than I was), so everything was completed well enough (there was a little bit of a struggle during the Eucharistic Prayer, when I was unable to direct the priests correctly and the candles/thirifur left their places too early, but neither were disasters by any means, and most everything else went along as planned).  Before Mass ended, Fr. Arisman spent a long time thanking all the many people that had helped him throughout his life, and also - in a beautiful ceremony - he gave his maniturgium (the cloth that wrapped his hands after being ordained/anointed) to his mother, his first stole to his father, and also placed a banquet of roses at the altar of Our Lady - consecrating his priesthood to her.  They were all beautiful, profound, moments, and well worth the additional length that they added to the Mass.  Fr. Arisman gave the final blessing and everyone processed out to the triumphant O God, Beyond all Praising.  It was a beautiful - if long and complicated - Mass, and I was humbled and honored to have MC'ed for Fr. Steve.  I was again inspired with enthusiasm for the end-goal which I am aiming towards (priesthood).  Yeah, it was just really, really cool!

After Mass I stuck around for the dinner served to everyone afterwards.  I sat with a bunch of other guys from Brute, and we sat and chatted waiting for the meal to begin (as well as during the meal).  I was glad to be able to catch up with them for a little while, because - for most of us - after that afternoon we would each be heading off to summer jobs/assignments (Totus Tuus, Peru, me: Rome).  Obviously, those are all good things, but - for me at least - it was a hard moment because I don't know when I'll get to see those guys again.  Anyway, it was a fun evening, I said my goodbyes to everybody, and then headed for home.  

I guess it's hard to put into words the awesomeness of the entire weekend.  I obviously had a blast hanging out with all my diocesan brothers, as well as the other seminarians visiting from other dioceses.  I also sincerely enjoyed all the beautiful (and spectacular) Masses that I had the chance to serve at (in positions that put me right in the middle of the "action").  But most of all, I guess, I was truly reinvigorated in discerning my vocation, in putting myself out there for God, in sticking through the (sometimes) hard times.  Gosh, being there when those guys - my friends - were ordained, when they gave their first blessings, when they said their first Mass; it was extraordinary, their joy, their excitement, their enthusiasm - the graces of Holy Orders were evident!  I was not only inspired by them, their commitment, their happiness, but even more by the love and inspiration that was flowing through them.  More and more, in seminary, I have come to realize that it is only through God's help that being a priest is even possible, but over that weekend I saw - I was reminded - that God will provide that grace.  The transformation that I saw in Fr. Seth and Steve is evidence of Our Lord's incredible love for them, and the incredible life that He has called them to.  Yes, for me, things are a bit scary - I don't know how easy it will be to move over to Rome, I don't know if I'll be ready for ordination in (God willing) 4 short years, I don't know if I have what it takes to give myself totally to God, to be obedient (life Fr. House was talking), to make myself prepared to become a priest (as the Bishop asked me), and on and on...  But, that weekend not only made me more enthusiastic and excited about continuing on the path that I am on, it also reminded me of the immensity of God's grace, of the incredible things that happen when you put your life in His hands.  

Yep, life is good!
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To all the guys at Brute - Thank You!

During finals week - wow, that was only like 2 weeks ago (it feels like so much longer) - owe had the annual baccalaureate Mass on campus at Marian.  This Mass, though open to anybody, was meant as a final ceremony honoring and celebrating the soon-to-graduate class of 2014.  The chapel was packed with seniors and their families and for the first time that I've seen, I struggled to find a seat at a Mass at Marian (which is really cool).  Mass was pretty typical for Marian - with the music that we all like to complain about, but wasn't actually all that bad - and it included a procession of graduates in at the beginning and (for lack of better words) a flower giving ceremony at the end.  Basically, before the priests and servers processed out they asked all the seniors to come up and receive 3 carnations, which they would then give to 3 people who had had a big impact on their college career, a good friend, or a positive influence - you know, somebody who was important in some way to their lives.  

The first one I gave to Fr. Bob immediately following Mass and the second one I gave to my parents when they arrived the next day.  Both were obvious recipients for my flowers - my parents brought me up in the faith, supported my vocation all along, loved me beyond belief, and in every way are the best of parents (THANKS MOM & DAD), and Fr. Bob has had a tremendous impact on my life these past 2 years, not only as a formator but also as an example of a loving, humble priest and a man who has dedicated his life to serving Christ (THANKS FATHER).  Now, of course, I had one flower left, and it took me a while to decide what to do with it.  There were certainly plenty of candidates - teachers who managed to get all that philosophy into my head, another one of the priests at Brute, my academic adviser, another one of the guys... - in the end though I didn't give it to any of those people (worthy though they were).  Instead, I gave it to all the guys at Brute.


Of course, most of them were gone by the end of finals week (when I got the flower), so I left it on the mantle place and took a picture of it.  And then, predictably, I forgot to write this post until now (leaving anybody who saw the pink carnation at Brute still bewildered and everybody who didn't see it oblivious).  Well, here's the post to rectify that situation!  I want to send a big THANK YOU to all the seminarians at Brute during my time there.  You guys were (and are) fantastic!  I enjoyed every minute of my time with you - from your enthusiastic welcomes as I first wheeled my stuff into the "castle", to the many dinners out at different restaurants (American, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, Greek - you name it, we tried it), to the fun lake-side parties, campfires, bbq's, and community dinners, to the movies we watched together (and which you opened my eyes to - for better or worse), to the ice-skating, football, basketball, soccer, racquetball, dodgeball, and frisbee, schola practice, limbo in the hallway, all the times that I was sore from laughing so hard - I have never had quite as much fun as I did with you guys!  I also learnt a ton from you - you taught me how to come out of my shell, but not be immature, how to joke around, but when to be serious, how to attend Mass reverently, but not stoically, how to do philosophy, without being too weird, how to live the faith and spread the gospel, all in love, how to discern God's will, and to not give up in the hard times.  Literally, in countless ways, you guys were huge parts of my growth so far in seminary.  You made me a better man in every way: academically (all those times studying for Plato/Aristotle, psychology, ethics, calculus, metaphysics, logic, and everything else), spiritually (praying the divine office in common, all those conversations about meditation, liturgy, prayer, all those times when we ended the day together in a Holy Hour, those times when we would get together in the middle of the day to pray a rosary, or mid-day prayer), and in so many other ways...


I could go on and on, but basically, you guys were fantastic teachers - in pretty much every area that seminary necessitates growth in, the best of examples to me in how to go about discernment, prayer, and advancement in the spiritual life, and really, truly, were incredibly important in my learning about (and hopefully advancing in) every kind of virtue - humility, charity, perseverance, joy, courage, chastity, etc.  And all of those things I leaned while having an absolute blast!  I know a flower is a bit cheesy, but please know it is so much more than a flower.  You guys made seminary not only fun, you made it an incredible learning experience.  God willing, in a few years (wow, that's scary) when I'm ordained, I will have been significantly shaped by my time spent with all of you.  Thanks for everything guys (and everything that I forgot), keep in touch!
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The End of the Semester and Trusting God with the Future

Well folks, I just finished college!  I managed to survive Monday (which entailed finishing a paper at 2 AM, and knocking out two tough philosophy tests), and then must of us went to the funeral for Joe's brother on Tuesday (hopefully, I can get together a post entirely on that day), so I then had to make up the New Testament test (not too hard because I studied enough for it) and logic (also easier than expected) on Wednesday.  After that, the only final I had remaining was the take-home essay for modern and contemporary philosophy, which was pretty easy (only a few pages long) and only took an hour or two.  

Of course, the difficulties, successes, and completion of finals week isn't enough of a topic for a post regarding the end of the semester and the end of my college career, so I guess I'll spend the rest of this post talking a bit more about the whole experience so far.

To be honest, I've thoroughly, completely, utterly loved seminary over these past two years.  I was scared out of my wits when I showed up, but within hours I had begun to feel the vibe, the energy, the joy, and the intensity of seminary - and I fell in love.  I can't begin to express how wonderful of an experience it has been.  I have learned more than I thought possible - about philosophy, about life, about friendships, about discernment, about faith, about love - and I've enjoyed every moment - including the hard ones, like tests, and dry periods in prayer, and situations that forced me out of my comfort zone, and the awesome ones, like playing in the soccer tournament, those beautiful moments in Mass where everything clicks and it really feels like heaven, going out to eat with some of your best friends, watching countless great movies, spending hours of supreme peace in front of the Blessed Sacrament, study groups.  Yeah, every moment has been phenomenal!  
And now it's all about to change...  On the one hand, I'm excited.  Not only to graduate and enjoy the feeling of completing college, but also to head home (spend some quality time with the family), and then in July to head over to Italy to begin a new (and awesome) chapter in my seminary "career".  Yeah, I'm looking forward to all of it.  But on the other hand, I'm going to miss Brute.  I love the fact that I have a genuine friend in everybody here - something that is going to be much harder when I'm at the PNAC with 250 other guys.  I love the laughter, and music, and singing, and craziness that echos down the halls - this truly is a fun place!  But, on the third hand (whatever that is...), moving on is a bit scary.  Studying in Rome will be fantastic, but it will also be a struggle.  I'll be a long way away from all the great friends I have (here at Brute as well as at home), and my wonderful family - that's hard, it's a sacrifice I wish I didn't have to make...  Most of the guys here at Brute have been moving out yesterday and today and it finally hit me that I won't be seeing a lot of these guys in the near future - it's a happy moment (the semester is over!), but it's also sad.  In 2 months (almost exactly) I'll be doing the same thing with my family and friends back home, and that will be an even more exciting, and even more difficult, moment.  

Still, I'm putting it all in God's hands.  Lord, lead me where you want me, give me the strength to endure the hardships that your vocation entails for me, and grant me the true joy that comes with following You.

The second half of my New Testament final was an exegesis essay on Luke 2:25-35 (the presentation in the temple and Simeon's canticle).  I talked about how Luke's Gospel, all the way through, is looking at how true joy (from God) only comes through a certain amount of suffering, often in self-sacrifice and trusting Him.  Zechariah and Elizabeth experience the pain of not having a child before God gives them one.  Mary is asked to trust God completely, but receives the incarnate joy of Jesus Christ.  Then, arriving at the temple, they are required to offer Jesus back to God, and not only that, but Simeon prophesies that a sword will pierce Mary's heart.  Following God isn't always easy, it isn't always fun; actually it requires sacrifice - only through sacrificing ourselves to Him can He transform us with His joy.  Only through less reliance on ourselves, and more trust in Him, can he replace our pitiable joys with His own.  It's tough to learn - I for sure want to rely on myself, not Him - but ironically, going to Rome - something that I am super excited for - will also end up helping me grow in the trust of God.  God brings good out of evil, but He also bring supernatural good out of our own natural goods (at least, if we let Him).  

Yeah, so I'm excited, and scared, and happy, and unsure - and life continues to spin along.  The future is bright, but a bit unknown at the same time.  Jesus, I trust in You!
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Easter - It's Not About Me

As promised, here's the second half of my experience as subdeacon, and how it forced me to do some serious discernment and deepening of my relationship with God.

On Holy Saturday morning, myself and my brother headed over to St. Rose to practice for the Easter Vigil that we would both be assisting at that evening (him as MC, myself as subdeacon).  I won't go into the whole practice, because that would be really repetitive once I explained the liturgy itself, but it was a moment of resignation to God's Will.  Now that I had been subdeacon once, at the Good Friday liturgy the day

before, I was a bit more comfortable with filling the role - wearing the biretta, tunicle, etc. - but now I was finding that I would have to start doing things (whereas before I had mostly been standing there).  Most of this meant just learning what I would have to do - being at practice for a few hours and going through everything in my head.  However, something else that I found I would be doing was chanting one of the lessons before Mass (right after the sequence) as well as the epistle during Mass.  I wasn't overly afraid of them because I have had a bit of practice here at Brute chanting for compline [night prayer] as well as the responsorial psalm on occasion, but I had been wondering if I would have to do any chanting and now I knew - I would...  Thankfully, they both turned out to be extremely short (only 6 or 8 lines) and the chant tones that I would have to learn weren't overly complicated.  Another seminarian from my diocese (who is much more knowledgeable about those sorts of things) sang through them for me and helped me out with the pronunciation, and then practice was over and back home we went.

I practiced chanting a bit that afternoon, trying to smooth out the transitions between words and make sure I knew the starting note, cadence, emphasis, and other important details.  It took several run-through's before I got through the entire thing without mis-pronouncing, or mis-singing something, but by that evening I was feeling reasonably confident that I wouldn't completely mess them up.  I spent plenty of time hanging out with my cousins - playing outside, chatting, struggling through some Mario Kart - and we had several delicious meals (thanks mom!), and around 9:30 PM we all headed over for the vigil Mass.

What struck me was that the whole experience wasn't nearly as daunting and overwhelming as I thought it would be.  For Good Friday I thought that being subdeacon would be incredibly difficult, and it wasn't easy by any means, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.  On Holy Saturday, again, I thought that things would be impossible - complex, tricky, important, uncomfortable - and, again, it wasn't easy, I certainly had to throw myself out there, learn to do new things, push myself out of my comfort zone, but it wasn't really all that bad.  I didn't quite enjoy myself, but I started to see the positives and not the negatives, how the experience was leading me to grow, to giving myself more to others, to abandon myself a bit more to God.  Certainly God's grace was working!  

The ceremony began with the blessing of the Paschal candle and the Exultet, during which my only task was to hold the crucifix - a simple task, but one that became taxing on the arms after 20 minutes or so.  I was already vested in tunicle, amice, and alb - which was a bit less unpleasant than on Good Friday, but still felt weird - and what kept going through my head was the fact that I would soon have to chant one of the four lessons (going through salvation history).  As it always seems to happen, time kept going forward, and eventually the Exultet finished, I set the cross down, and the readings started.  I had a few more minutes before mine (while the first two were chanted), but then had to step up to the ambo, take a deep breath, and start chanting.  I was nervous, and sweating, and afraid, but the first word came out pretty well and then everything just flowed smoothly until the end (like a minute later).  Following that - summarizing a lot - I eventually got the cross again, we had the blessing of the baptismal water, the renewal of baptismal promises, the second half of the litanies, and then Easter Mass!  Unfortunately, most of the Mass I was concerned with what I had to do next, so I wasn't paying too much attention, but it was a beautiful, exciting, joyous ceremony.  Simplifying things greatly, I basically followed the deacon's cues on where to stand/move and the only exceptional things that I did were to chant the epistle (thankfully it was short, I started on a note that I could hold throughout, and I held the melody throughout - success again!  Thank you God!) and hold the paten during the canon and consecration (another somewhat awkward moment, but one that brought me closer to Christ as I knelt there and adored my risen savior in the Eucharist).  The rest of Mass spun along as usual - I didn't invalidate anything, or light anything on fire, or otherwise make too many mistakes - and then the triumphant closing hymn began and we processed out.  

Looking back, I have just begun to see the positives of the whole experience.  Of course, as I think I've been emphasizing (probably too much), being subdeacon was hard.  Not so much in the sense that what I did was difficult, even the chanting wasn't terribly scary, but I just didn't feel ready to step into that role, to put on the amice, and tunicle, and beretta.  I think I was scared of the reminder that the whole experience evoked in me of what I was in seminary for - to become a priest - and that ordination is a (God-willing) fast-approaching reality.  Ordination, now 4 years out (if everything goes as usual) is something that I don't think about too much - it's scary, it's putting myself totally in God's service, it's a commitment to live like Christ, which is audacious, incredible, beautiful, and terrifying - but being subdeacon reminded me of that eventual goal.  It put me in a position much closer to the priest than ever before; I had a part in the liturgy unlike "just" serving or reading.  However, by offering up the whole ordeal/experience to Christ, I was able to bring myself a bit closer to Him, to more deeply love Him at least a little bit (especially because it was during the triduum).  I guess I see the whole experience as a sort of Good Friday or Holy Saturday.  Obviously, it was nothing like the suffering and death of Our Lord, but it did involve a bit of suffering and dying to self, something that always seems necessary for holiness.  But something that I have come to realize is that in being subdeacon - certainly it was hard, it was death to self - but it was also Easter, it was also a moment that God filled with grace.  The Paschal mystery is all about how God bring good out of evil - specifically the greatest good of salvation out of the worst evil, the death of Jesus.  Through the smidgen of suffering and fear that I endured in being subdeacon, He brought me closer to Himself.  God made me realize that being a priest entails precisely this kind of laying down of my life for God and for all of His children.  You know what, seminary is a lot of fun, even during finals week (right now) there's a camaraderie and excitement to being with all the other guys and knocking out finals together.  Seminary is about turning yourself over to Christ, but it doesn't hurt all that much usually.  Being subdeacon wasn't much fun, I really, really, didn't want to do it.  Yet, in doing it, I was brought closer to Christ than in doing the hard things (that are fun) in seminary.  Those moments allowed me to realize things that I hadn't thought about during many hours in prayer, the hardest of finals, or my favorite passages of Scripture.

Yeah, so in conclusion I guess I learned to trust more in God.  Not only that He would get me through doing hard and fearful things, but that He is capable of bringing great good out of things that I can't find good in, or I find very difficult.  Reliance on God - it's easy to think about and hard to live out, but such is the goal of sanctity.  Jesus I trust in You!
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The Chrism Mass, It's Not About Me... (and that is hard)

Welcome to Holy Week! 

Today myself and the rest of the guys here from my diocese went over to the Cathedral in Springfield for the annual Chrism Mass, which, unsurprisingly, is when the bishop blesses the oils (and consecrates the Sacred Chrism) for the use of all the priests of the diocese throughout the coming year.  However, the Chrism Mass is also where the priests of the diocese renew their dedication to serve the people of the diocese.

Last year I was a new seminarian, heading through my second semester at Brute, and participating in my first big diocesan Mass.  This year I am a senior at Brute, quickly approaching graduation and looking forward to moving onto Theology level seminary next year at the NAC.  It has only been a year but the perspective is completely different.  However, despite all that has happened the past year – the massive increase in knowledge of, and appreciation for, philosophy, the many hours of prayer and discernment, the growth that I have seen happening in myself in all areas, the countless moments of fun and laughter, and everything else – I still found that I have a lot to learn, and discern, and grow… 

Last year I was privileged (at least in my mind) to have the position of holding the book for the Bishop.  I think this position is sometimes disliked because it is so physically demanding (that book gets heavy really fast, and you have to hold it for a long time), but I was new to the whole thing last year, so despite my shaking arms I still enjoyed being in that position immensely just because it gave me a great view of what was going on (in a job that was hard to mess up).  Anyway, this year, because we now have 20+ seminarians, I didn’t have any job during Mass, so I was just going to process in and basically just take in the sights until the end of Mass, when I would help distribute the holy oils.  Well, as it turned out, that (sorta boring) position was providential. 

After practice we had a short break (during which I worked on some homework – did I mention that I am really busy right now), and then a Holy Hour.  After Evening Prayer and Benediction all of us seminarians, along with many of the priests of the diocese went downstairs for a delicious dinner of lasagna, salad, rolls, and green beans.  Before dinner got started however, I managed to talk for a few minutes with my pastor and during the conversation he casually dropped the thought that I may have to be Sub-Deacon during the liturgies of Good Friday and Easter.  Sub-deacon, for those who aren’t familiar, was a minor level of ordination which men went through before being ordained deacons prior to Vatican II, after which point it was suppressed/eliminated.  However, in the Extraordinary Form (which I will be attending for the Easter Triduum), the position is still used in the liturgy.  Usually, it is just filled by a deacon (or priest), but – in the absence of someone who has been ordained – a non-ordained man can fill the role as a sort of “straw” subdeacon.  Still, my immediate reaction was to try and avoid the position.  Not so much because I am scared of what I may have to do, or what I’ll have to learn, but because jumping into that position seems so much closer to priesthood than “just” serving.  The subdeacon wears vestments (of some sort), and assists the priest more directly than your typical server, and so, I just felt really uncomfortable thinking about filling that role.  Sure, an un-ordained person could (canonically) fill the role, but traditionally a seminarian became a subdeacon  only a bit before being ordained Deacon (which is still a few years out for me), so I immediately was thinking about how much I wasn’t ready to jump up to that position.  It’s not like I have all that much choice in the matter – if they don’t have a subdeacon, I’m about all they have – but I still really didn’t want to do it.  Anyway, before the conversation got much further than me realizing that it sounded pretty probable that I’d have to do sub-deacon, the bell rang and off we went to dinner.

Throughout dinner and in the time before Mass that followed I didn’t really have a chance to think about the topic, but during Mass (when I didn’t have much to do except sit there), the thought began to nag at me.  Why didn’t I want to do subdeacon?  Fear? – not a good reason.  Pride? – even worse.  Inexperience? – I’ll get instructions.  Timidity? – not a good reason either.  Not thinking I was ready to fill that position? – not a problem canonically.  My dilemma: I couldn’t find a good reason to not do it, but I still didn’t want to – and that, of course, was my problem.

This job, studying to be a priest, isn’t about me.  It isn’t about what I feel like doing (or not doing), what I’m comfortable with (or not).  I felt the collar pressing against my throat (which I only wear at diocesan Masses, so it’s noticable) – this is a symbol of the priest, of the alter Christi, of me giving my life totally to Christ.  Then my mind came back to the homily and the bishop was talking to all the priests of the diocese about how they must – above any other function – care for the souls of those in their flock.  Their purpose is to serve, to humbly obey.  Gosh, thought I, there is no way I can get myself out of doing subdeacon – there isn’t someone else to do it, there is no canonical problem, fear (my motivator) isn’t coming from God, and the role that I am filling right now, seminarian, is about training for the priesthood, which means serving and obeying.  Basically, there I was trying my best to figure out a way of not becoming like Christ, and that doesn’t really fit with the goal of life which is becoming like Christ.  Jesus didn’t want to suffer, but He says “not my will but thine be done”.  Mary wasn’t ready to become the mother of God, but she said “be it done to me according to your word”.  Peter was a fisherman, he didn't think himself worthy to follow Christ, yet Christ calls him and asks him to become a “fisher of men”.  One of the guys this week gave a reflection on Jesus’ last word “it is finished” and connected it to how Christ gave Himself utterly, completely, absolutely to the Father.  We are called to do the same, to let God “finish” us, to give ourselves absolutely entirely, every moment, every feeling, and every bit of our strength, to Him.  There isn’t another way to follow – it’s all or nothing, it’s either doing God’s will, or ours, there’s nothing in between.  It’s either stepping out of the boat – doing something that we don’t want to, but that Christ calls us to – or turning back and not following Christ.  

Basically, during Mass I realized my continuing need for conversion.  I realized that my fears and desires weren’t directing me towards God, they were directing me away from God.  I don’t want to be subdeacon, but what does God want?  Am I willing to go out of my comfort zone, am I willing to step up to the plate, to not say no when I am asked to do something hard?  Here I am, in the middle of Holy Week, thinking ahead to Good Friday – when Jesus Christ, My God, gave Himself completely for me – and I’m worried about filling the uncomfortable position (for me) of subdeacon.  “Take up your cross!”


Yep, so yesterday was awesome, not only because of the time I got to spend with all the other seminarians from my diocese, and the splendor of the Mass, and the good food we got to eat beforehand, and the Holy Hour that we did with all the priests and bishop, but more importantly because it really forced me to see where I have some progress to make, some converting to do, some legitimate sacrifice to be offered up.  It forced me to realize that following God’s will isn’t always easy – but you have to do it anyway.  Despite the difficulty that I may experience in doing subdeacon, despite my reservations and fears, I am thankful to God that he has called me to do it.  I still don't want to, but I know that it will lead to my growth in humility and obedience, both things that I certainly need more of.  Thank you Lord!
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Quickie Friday Update (with videos!)

Hey guys! Here are a few videos that I have run across over the last week or so.  Some of them are long, but all are really fantastic!  I have several posts in the incubation stage, but haven't been able to finish them up yet. Exciting news: I sent off my application to the NAC this week! Have a wonderful Friday, remember to offer your sacrifice today up for something - it makes it so much more meaningful. Enjoy!






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Video about Brute

The video about the seminary here at Brute has just been completed. It's not a perfect depiction of life here, but it is kinda cool.  I don't appear in it too much because I was gone for most of one of the days of filming.  Enjoy!
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