Open Wide the Doors for Christ!

As promised, here's the second half of my experience as subdeacon, and how it forced me to do some serious discernment and deepening of my relationship with God.

On Holy Saturday morning, myself and my brother headed over to St. Rose to practice for the Easter Vigil that we would both be assisting at that evening (him as MC, myself as subdeacon).  I won't go into the whole practice, because that would be really repetitive once I explained the liturgy itself, but it was a moment of resignation to God's Will.  Now that I had been subdeacon once, at the Good Friday liturgy the day

I practiced chanting a bit that afternoon, trying to smooth out the transitions between words and make sure I knew the starting note, cadence, emphasis, and other important details.  It took several run-through's before I got through the entire thing without mis-pronouncing, or mis-singing something, but by that evening I was feeling reasonably confident that I wouldn't completely mess them up.  I spent plenty of time hanging out with my cousins - playing outside, chatting, struggling through some Mario Kart - and we had several delicious meals (thanks mom!), and around 9:30 PM we all headed over for the vigil Mass.

What struck me was that the whole experience wasn't nearly as daunting and overwhelming as I thought it would be.  For Good Friday I thought that being subdeacon would be incredibly difficult, and it wasn't easy by any means, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.  On Holy Saturday, again, I thought that things would be impossible - complex, tricky, important, uncomfortable - and, again, it wasn't easy, I certainly had to throw myself out there, learn to do new things, push myself out of my comfort zone, but it wasn't really all that bad.  I didn't quite enjoy myself, but I started to see the positives and not the negatives, how the experience was leading me to grow, to giving myself more to others, to abandon myself a bit more to God.  Certainly God's grace was working!  

The ceremony began with the blessing of the Paschal candle and the Exultet, during which my only task was to hold the crucifix - a simple task, but one that became taxing on the arms after 20 minutes or so.  I was already vested in tunicle, amice, and alb - which was a bit less unpleasant than on Good Friday, but still felt weird - and what kept going through my head was the fact that I would soon have to chant one of the four lessons (going through salvation history).  As it always seems to happen, time kept going forward, and eventually the Exultet finished, I set the cross down, and the readings started.  I had a few more minutes before mine (while the first two were chanted), but then had to step up to the ambo, take a deep breath, and start chanting.  I was nervous, and sweating, and afraid, but the first word came out pretty well and then everything just flowed smoothly until the end (like a minute later).  Following that - summarizing a lot - I eventually got the cross again, we had the blessing of the baptismal water, the renewal of baptismal promises, the second half of the litanies, and then Easter Mass!  Unfortunately, most of the Mass I was concerned with what I had to do next, so I wasn't paying too much attention, but it was a beautiful, exciting, joyous ceremony.  Simplifying things greatly, I basically followed the deacon's cues on where to stand/move and the only exceptional things that I did were to chant the epistle (thankfully it was short, I started on a note that I could hold throughout, and I held the melody throughout - success again!  Thank you God!) and hold the paten during the canon and consecration (another somewhat awkward moment, but one that brought me closer to Christ as I knelt there and adored my risen savior in the Eucharist).  The rest of Mass spun along as usual - I didn't invalidate anything, or light anything on fire, or otherwise make too many mistakes - and then the triumphant closing hymn began and we processed out.  

Looking back, I have just begun to see the positives of the whole experience.  Of course, as I think I've been emphasizing (probably too much), being subdeacon was hard.  Not so much in the sense that what I did was difficult, even the chanting wasn't terribly scary, but I just didn't feel ready to step into that role, to put on the amice, and tunicle, and beretta.  I think I was scared of the reminder that the whole experience evoked in me of what I was in seminary for - to become a priest - and that ordination is a (God-willing) fast-approaching reality.  Ordination, now 4 years out (if everything goes as usual) is something that I don't think about too much - it's scary, it's putting myself totally in God's service, it's a commitment to live like Christ, which is audacious, incredible, beautiful, and terrifying - but being subdeacon reminded me of that eventual goal.  It put me in a position much closer to the priest than ever before; I had a part in the liturgy unlike "just" serving or reading.  However, by offering up the whole ordeal/experience to Christ, I was able to bring myself a bit closer to Him, to more deeply love Him at least a little bit (especially because it was during the triduum).  I guess I see the whole experience as a sort of Good Friday or Holy Saturday.  Obviously, it was nothing like the suffering and death of Our Lord, but it did involve a bit of suffering and dying to self, something that always seems necessary for holiness.  But something that I have come to realize is that in being subdeacon - certainly it was hard, it was death to self - but it was also Easter, it was also a moment that God filled with grace.  The Paschal mystery is all about how God bring good out of evil - specifically the greatest good of salvation out of the worst evil, the death of Jesus.  Through the smidgen of suffering and fear that I endured in being subdeacon, He brought me closer to Himself.  God made me realize that being a priest entails precisely this kind of laying down of my life for God and for all of His children.  You know what, seminary is a lot of fun, even during finals week (right now) there's a camaraderie and excitement to being with all the other guys and knocking out finals together.  Seminary is about turning yourself over to Christ, but it doesn't hurt all that much usually.  Being subdeacon wasn't much fun, I really, really, didn't want to do it.  Yet, in doing it, I was brought closer to Christ than in doing the hard things (that are fun) in seminary.  Those moments allowed me to realize things that I hadn't thought about during many hours in prayer, the hardest of finals, or my favorite passages of Scripture.

Yeah, so in conclusion I guess I learned to trust more in God.  Not only that He would get me through doing hard and fearful things, but that He is capable of bringing great good out of things that I can't find good in, or I find very difficult.  Reliance on God - it's easy to think about and hard to live out, but such is the goal of sanctity.  Jesus I trust in You!

Thank goodness that we celebrate Easter for an entire week (actually 8 days!) because I have been extremely busy for the last week, and I haven't had the chance to say anything about the most important solemnity of the year.  Happy Easter!  He is Risen!  Continuing my previous thought though, you know what, being busy is OK.  Obviously, I'd like to have been able to have some more free time and be able to write some more posts (and do other things), but I have slowly come to realize over this Easter that my life absolutely has to be about God, and what He wants me to do, not what I want to do.  I'm hoping to churn out a few posts over the next several days all encompassing (or at least relating back to) this all-important point because over everything else that has been going on it is this idea that keeps hitting me.  I guess I have some work to do!  

Alright, first story: being a subdeacon...  After finishing up my classes on Holy Thursday, I endured the long drive home and made it back in time to go to the Mass of the Lord's Supper that evening.  As I have mentioned in the past, we (the family) attend Mass at St. Rose, which is staffed by the F.S.S.P. and has Mass in the Extraordinary Form.  Anyway, I ended up helping out at the end of Mass when they transferred the Eucharist to the reserve Tabernacle and needed a thurifur (interesting fact: it's harder than you think to spin around, incense the Blessed Sacrament, and then continue walking forward without tripping or running into the priest).  

That evening, knowing at this point that I was going to have to be subdeacon for the rest of the Easter Triduum (and not really wanting to), I spent a lot of time praying that God's Will be done and that I'd have the strength and courage to do it.   (Another thing that I learned: don't think that by kneeling the entire 3 hours on Holy Thursday night impresses anybody, but yeah, it does hurt the knees, and thighs, and back...)  Back onto topic: I really wasn't scared of what I would have to do for subdeacon - that sort of thing you can learn in practice - but I was very uncomfortable stepping into that role.  It turned out to be a good - though long - evening of prayer; I had some quality time to think about things, offer them up, and realize that my doing subdeacon was a small way to become a bit more like Christ, especially as we were in the midst of recalling His Passion.  I mean, there I am - trying to spend some time in prayer, as Jesus asked His disciples to do - and it's really hard to complain to Him about being subdeacon when He accepted from God a much, much, harder task.

On Good Friday morning I went for a short run (we are back in the swing of training for a mini-marathon) before myself and my brother headed over to church to do some training for the liturgy that would take place that afternoon.  We returned home after the hour-long practice and found that one set of cousins/aunt/uncle had arrived.  It was one of those things, I wasn't looking forward to the whole subdeacon thing, but I always enjoy hanging out with my extended family immensely, so that took my mind off the whole thing.  We attended Stations of the Cross at noon, followed by a small collation (don't get to use that word too often...) of PB&J's and apples.  3 PM eventually did roll around though, and so back to church I went, feeling at peace with the whole thing but still kind of wishing that I didn't have to.   We (Father, the deacon, and myself) vested in albs/cinctures, with amice and biretta (the first time I had worn either of those) and out we went - them, probably meditating on Christ's passion, me, on the "outfit" I was wearing.  However, my selfish focus wore off pretty quickly when the liturgy began with us prostrating ourselves for a minute on the marble floor of the sanctuary; it was a cold, hard, reminder that His will is more important than mine!  There were a set of prayers/readings that were chanted (during which I didn't have to do much of anything) and then the Passion was chanted (again, I was just standing there).  Next we had the veneration of the cross.  My part was simple: stand next to Father and help him slowly unveil the (large and heavy) crucifix.  It wasn't perfect (I missed one of my genuflections), but nothing went up in flames, or broke, or was invalid, so that's alright.  Then we took off our shoes and walked up to venerate the cross (now supported by two servers) - again reminding me that it has to be about Him, about His will, about loving God and giving yourself entirely to His Will (not about my qualms about wearing a biretta, acting as subdeacon, and everything else)...  The last part of the liturgy went quickly - there was just the distribution of Holy Communion, a few more prayers/readings, and then the procession out, but it was the most uncomfortable and difficult moment for me because this was when I had to put on a tunicle (which looks really similar to the dalmatic which a deacon wears).  As I mentioned before, canonically it's fine for a layman to fill the position of subdeacon (in case of necessity), but I sure didn't feel ready to do so.  Anyway, I put it on, we finished up the liturgy, and that was that.  It wasn't quite as bad as I thought, and the world didn't end when I put it on, but what struck me was how heavy it was.  It wasn't like unbearably weighty, just dense.  It's hard to explain, but I couldn't really forget that it was there, it felt like that lead vest they put over you when you have dental x-rays (I've had plenty of practice with those), but of course, in the liturgy celebrating Good Friday, it had a lot more meaning.  It reminded me (again) that my job in life is to discern, and do, the will of God.  Sometimes that will be enjoying the company of people you love, sometimes that will be struggling to stay awake when squinting for 5 hours, sometimes that will be staying up till midnight praying, and sometimes that will be doing something you don't want to do, stepping outside of your comfort zone, (literally) picking up that cross, or yoke, or tunicle.  

After the liturgy we spent a few minutes talking with other people in the parking lot and many were excited that I got to do subdeacon.  I was certainly less enthusiastic than they were (probably need to work on being more positive), but one person said something to the extent that "I bet that made you think about your vocation didn't it?"  And it did!  Being in that position, and not really wanting to be there, made me think about the call to priesthood.  I don't want to keep using the same phrase, but priesthood is not about me.  It's about giving myself completely to God, and to bringing souls to Heaven for Christ.  It's not like as soon as I'm ordained everything will become comfortable and I'll love doing everything.  Sometimes I am going to have to step into tough situations, do things for people that I don't want to do, or just put myself out there in some way.  

Sorry, this will have to be continued...  It's now midnight and Mass will come early tomorrow.  Gosh, I am so sorry to not have gotten out any posts the last week, but after a few tests, and quizzes, and presentations, and miscellaneous assignments, and going out to eat, and training for the mini-marathon, and practicing for schola, oh, and praying, and reading, and studying - and I just didn't have any time.  Again, I really, really hope to get more written this week (especially since I haven't finished even this whole story, much less all the other ones that tie into it, much less the entire realization of learning to follow Christ more fully...)  My plan is to pump out shorter posts, more often - hopefully that way I'll actually be able to get some completed throughout the last week of classes and finals week.  Hope springs eternal!  

Seriously though, I hope that all of you had an amazing, blessed, truly joyful Easter!  Happy Divine Mercy Sunday!  Pope Saint John Paul II and Pope Saint John XXIII pray for us!

I know this is a week late, but I started working on it last week and only finished it now...  Many of you probably know that Jesus said "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?" on the cross; "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?".  Some have interpreted it as Jesus falling into some sort of despair upon being abandoned by most of His disciples, and being in such great pain.  However, that isn't the entire story.  This phrase is the beginning of Psalm 22 (found below).  It is a beautiful psalm that one can pull much more out of when read in light of Christ being the Messiah.  It begins in despair and abandonment but then moves to trust in God's protection and then praising God's greatness as "men shall tell of the Lord to the coming generation, and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn" (Psalm 22:30-31).  It's long, but phenomenal: (my favorite parts in bold).  I'm not kidding; read it!

¹My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
² O my God, I cry by day, but thou dost not answer;

and by night, but find no rest.
³ Yet thou art holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
⁴ In thee our fathers trusted;
they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
⁵ To thee they cried, and were saved;
in thee they trusted, and were not disappointed.
⁶ But I am a worm, and no man;
scorned by men, and despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock at me,
they make mouths at me, they wag their heads;
⁸ “He committed his cause to the Lord; let him deliver him,


⁹ Yet thou art he who took me from the womb;
thou didst keep me safe upon my mother’s breasts.
¹⁰ Upon thee was I cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me thou hast been my God.
¹¹ Be not far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is none to help.
¹² Many bulls encompass me,
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
¹³ they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.
¹⁴ I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax,
it is melted within my breast;
¹⁵ my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue cleaves to my jaws;
thou dost lay me in the dust of death.
¹⁶ Yea, dogs are round about me;
a company of evildoers encircle me;
they have pierced^[b] my hands and feet—
¹⁷ I can count all my bones—
they stare and gloat over me;




¹⁹ But thou, O Lord, be not far off!
O thou my help, hasten to my aid!
²⁰ Deliver my soul from the sword,
my life^[c] from the power of the dog!
²¹ Save me from the mouth of the lion,
my afflicted soul^[d] from the horns of the wild oxen!
²² I will tell of thy name to my brethren;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise thee:
²³ You who fear the Lord, praise him!
all you sons of Jacob, glorify him,
and stand in awe of him, all you sons of Israel!
²⁴ For he has not despised or abhorred
the affliction of the afflicted;
and he has not hid his face from him,
but has heard, when he cried to him.
²⁵ From thee comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will pay before those who fear him.
²⁶ The afflicted^[e] shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the Lord!
May your hearts live for ever!
²⁷ All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the Lord;
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before him.^[f]
28 For dominion belongs to the Lord,
and he rules over the nations.
²⁹ Yea, to him^[g] shall all the proud of the earth bow down;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
and he who cannot keep himself alive.
³⁰ Posterity shall serve him;
men shall tell of the Lord to the coming generation,

Well, it's been a pretty slow day here at Brute.  We had Mass (as usual) at 9:30, which I served for, a cleaning session afterwords, and then lunch, which was prepared by one of the guy's family (thank! - it was Delicious!).  If you haven't picked up, we always look forward to times when families come in and make us a meal - it's always 10x better than what we normally eat, and there's the added bonus of leftovers (I have never looked forward to leftovers until I came here...).  After lunch until like 5 I didn't do much at which point I went out with a group of guys to longhorn steakhouse.  I could probably count on 1 finger how many times I've had a steak at a restaurant, so it was pretty tasty.  Anyway, during that "empty" period between 1 and 5 I prayed midday prayer, and that is what this short post will dive into:

 

During lent, almost everyday it seems that the antiphon for midday prayer is: "As I live, says the Lord, I do not wish the sinner to die but to turn back to me and live."  Since it keeps re-appearing I thought that it just might be important... (it is).  John 3:16 - "For God so loved the wold, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  Folks, God loved you and me so much that he was willing to die for us.  God created us in love, to love, and for love, yet when we sin and don't direct that love back to God, when we are selfish with something that God gave us freely, he still love us.  God loves us when we don't love Him.  When Jesus is hanging on the cross in unthinkable anguish because we nailed Him there, what does he say? Luke 23:34 - "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  When we sin, when we're angry, hateful, lazy, selfish, proud, etc. we are choosing to love ourselves more than God and more than others.  God created us "in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27)  What does it mean to be made in the image and likeness of God?  1 John 4:7-10 "love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.  In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."  

 

I know I'm throwing a lot of scripture around here, but here's the point:  God is love, God created us in love, God created us to love, and when we screwed up and didn't love God back, He loved us more - He died out of love for us.  Guess what, we still screw up, we still don't always love, and guess what, God still loves us.  Now, that doesn't mean we just stop trying to not sin, after all, the point is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and you neighbor as yourself." (Luke 10:27)  OK, so back to the quote that started off this whole thing: God want us to love Him, he wants us to turn to Him, he wants us to live with Him.  Yeah, we're sinners, that comes with being human, but that doesn't mean we can't turn to God and live.  As Americans we want to be independent, rugged, etc. but we must not become independent of God.  His love is where we came from and that's where we need to get back to.  Don't trust yourself to the point of not trusting God...  Love doesn't take some amount of freedom away from us.  The more we love God the more we are living how we are supposed to - in His image and likeness, and the more we do that the happier we'll be.  Want joy? Want peace? Want to be awesome (ie: live how you were created to)?  Start loving God like He loved you. 

Well, I managed to read the wrong readings for the office of readings today (I took them from the first friday of lent rather than the feast of the chair of Peter).  Thankfully, office of readings can be done at any time during the day, so I can do the correct ones later.  However, the second reading that I did read was on Christ as the model of brotherly love, as the model for us to learn how to be selfless and give ourselves totally to others.  I figured it fit in well with us getting closer to Good Friday.  Enjoy!

"The perfection of brotherly love lies in the love of one’s enemies. We can find no greater inspiration for this than grateful remembrance of the wonderful patience of Christ. He who is more fair than all the sons of men offered his fair face to be spat upon by sinful men; he allowed those eyes that rule the universe to be blindfolded by wicked men; he bared his back to the scourges; he submitted that head which strikes terror in principalities and powers to the sharpness of the thorns; he gave himself up to be mocked and reviled, and at the end endured the cross, the nails, the lance, the gall, the vinegar, remaining always gentle, meek and full of peace.

In short, he was led like a sheep to the slaughter, and like a lamb before the shearers he kept silent, and did not open his mouth.

Who could listen to that wonderful prayer, so full of warmth, of love, of unshakable serenity—Father, forgive them—and hesitate to embrace his enemies with overflowing love? Father, he says, forgive them. Is any gentleness, any love, lacking in this prayer?

Yet he put into it something more. It was not enough to pray for them: he wanted also to make excuses for them. Father, forgive them, for the do not know what they are doing. They are great sinners, yes, but they have little judgment; therefore, Father, forgive them. They are nailing me to the cross, but they do not know who it is that they are nailing to the cross: if they had known, they would never have crucified the Lord of glory; therefore, Father, forgive them. They think it is a lawbreaker, an impostor claiming to be God, a seducer of the people. I have hidden my face from them, and they do not recognize my glory; therefore, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
If someone wishes to love himself he must not allow himself to be corrupted by indulging his sinful nature. If he wishes to resist the promptings of his sinful nature he must enlarge the whole horizon of his love to contemplate the loving gentleness of the humanity of the Lord. Further, if he wishes to savor the joy of brotherly love with greater perfection and delight, he must extend even to his enemies the embrace of true love.

But if he wishes to prevent this fire of divine love from growing cold because of injuries received, let him keep the eyes of his soul always fixed on the serene patience of his beloved Lord and Savior."