Showing posts with label Take Up Your Cross. Show all posts

Good Friday - It's Not About Me

Thank goodness that we celebrate Easter for an entire week (actually 8 days!) because I have been extremely busy for the last week, and I haven't had the chance to say anything about the most important solemnity of the year.  Happy Easter!  He is Risen!  Continuing my previous thought though, you know what, being busy is OK.  Obviously, I'd like to have been able to have some more free time and be able to write some more posts (and do other things), but I have slowly come to realize over this Easter that my life absolutely has to be about God, and what He wants me to do, not what I want to do.  I'm hoping to churn out a few posts over the next several days all encompassing (or at least relating back to) this all-important point because over everything else that has been going on it is this idea that keeps hitting me.  I guess I have some work to do!  

Alright, first story: being a subdeacon...  After finishing up my classes on Holy Thursday, I endured the long drive home and made it back in time to go to the Mass of the Lord's Supper that evening.  As I have mentioned in the past, we (the family) attend Mass at St. Rose, which is staffed by the F.S.S.P. and has Mass in the Extraordinary Form.  Anyway, I ended up helping out at the end of Mass when they transferred the Eucharist to the reserve Tabernacle and needed a thurifur (interesting fact: it's harder than you think to spin around, incense the Blessed Sacrament, and then continue walking forward without tripping or running into the priest).  

That evening, knowing at this point that I was going to have to be subdeacon for the rest of the Easter Triduum (and not really wanting to), I spent a lot of time praying that God's Will be done and that I'd have the strength and courage to do it.   (Another thing that I learned: don't think that by kneeling the entire 3 hours on Holy Thursday night impresses anybody, but yeah, it does hurt the knees, and thighs, and back...)  Back onto topic: I really wasn't scared of what I would have to do for subdeacon - that sort of thing you can learn in practice - but I was very uncomfortable stepping into that role.  It turned out to be a good - though long - evening of prayer; I had some quality time to think about things, offer them up, and realize that my doing subdeacon was a small way to become a bit more like Christ, especially as we were in the midst of recalling His Passion.  I mean, there I am - trying to spend some time in prayer, as Jesus asked His disciples to do - and it's really hard to complain to Him about being subdeacon when He accepted from God a much, much, harder task.

On Good Friday morning I went for a short run (we are back in the swing of training for a mini-marathon) before myself and my brother headed over to church to do some training for the liturgy that would take place that afternoon.  We returned home after the hour-long practice and found that one set of cousins/aunt/uncle had arrived.  It was one of those things, I wasn't looking forward to the whole subdeacon thing, but I always enjoy hanging out with my extended family immensely, so that took my mind off the whole thing.  We attended Stations of the Cross at noon, followed by a small collation (don't get to use that word too often...) of PB&J's and apples.  3 PM eventually did roll around though, and so back to church I went, feeling at peace with the whole thing but still kind of wishing that I didn't have to.   We (Father, the deacon, and myself) vested in albs/cinctures, with amice and biretta (the first time I had worn either of those) and out we went - them, probably meditating on Christ's passion, me, on the "outfit" I was wearing.  However, my selfish focus wore off pretty quickly when the liturgy began with us prostrating ourselves for a minute on the marble floor of the sanctuary; it was a cold, hard, reminder that His will is more important than mine!  There were a set of prayers/readings that were chanted (during which I didn't have to do much of anything) and then the Passion was chanted (again, I was just standing there).  Next we had the veneration of the cross.  My part was simple: stand next to Father and help him slowly unveil the (large and heavy) crucifix.  It wasn't perfect (I missed one of my genuflections), but nothing went up in flames, or broke, or was invalid, so that's alright.  Then we took off our shoes and walked up to venerate the cross (now supported by two servers) - again reminding me that it has to be about Him, about His will, about loving God and giving yourself entirely to His Will (not about my qualms about wearing a biretta, acting as subdeacon, and everything else)...  The last part of the liturgy went quickly - there was just the distribution of Holy Communion, a few more prayers/readings, and then the procession out, but it was the most uncomfortable and difficult moment for me because this was when I had to put on a tunicle (which looks really similar to the dalmatic which a deacon wears).  As I mentioned before, canonically it's fine for a layman to fill the position of subdeacon (in case of necessity), but I sure didn't feel ready to do so.  Anyway, I put it on, we finished up the liturgy, and that was that.  It wasn't quite as bad as I thought, and the world didn't end when I put it on, but what struck me was how heavy it was.  It wasn't like unbearably weighty, just dense.  It's hard to explain, but I couldn't really forget that it was there, it felt like that lead vest they put over you when you have dental x-rays (I've had plenty of practice with those), but of course, in the liturgy celebrating Good Friday, it had a lot more meaning.  It reminded me (again) that my job in life is to discern, and do, the will of God.  Sometimes that will be enjoying the company of people you love, sometimes that will be struggling to stay awake when squinting for 5 hours, sometimes that will be staying up till midnight praying, and sometimes that will be doing something you don't want to do, stepping outside of your comfort zone, (literally) picking up that cross, or yoke, or tunicle.  

After the liturgy we spent a few minutes talking with other people in the parking lot and many were excited that I got to do subdeacon.  I was certainly less enthusiastic than they were (probably need to work on being more positive), but one person said something to the extent that "I bet that made you think about your vocation didn't it?"  And it did!  Being in that position, and not really wanting to be there, made me think about the call to priesthood.  I don't want to keep using the same phrase, but priesthood is not about me.  It's about giving myself completely to God, and to bringing souls to Heaven for Christ.  It's not like as soon as I'm ordained everything will become comfortable and I'll love doing everything.  Sometimes I am going to have to step into tough situations, do things for people that I don't want to do, or just put myself out there in some way.  

Sorry, this will have to be continued...  It's now midnight and Mass will come early tomorrow.  Gosh, I am so sorry to not have gotten out any posts the last week, but after a few tests, and quizzes, and presentations, and miscellaneous assignments, and going out to eat, and training for the mini-marathon, and practicing for schola, oh, and praying, and reading, and studying - and I just didn't have any time.  Again, I really, really hope to get more written this week (especially since I haven't finished even this whole story, much less all the other ones that tie into it, much less the entire realization of learning to follow Christ more fully...)  My plan is to pump out shorter posts, more often - hopefully that way I'll actually be able to get some completed throughout the last week of classes and finals week.  Hope springs eternal!  

Seriously though, I hope that all of you had an amazing, blessed, truly joyful Easter!  Happy Divine Mercy Sunday!  Pope Saint John Paul II and Pope Saint John XXIII pray for us!
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The Chrism Mass, It's Not About Me... (and that is hard)

Welcome to Holy Week! 

Today myself and the rest of the guys here from my diocese went over to the Cathedral in Springfield for the annual Chrism Mass, which, unsurprisingly, is when the bishop blesses the oils (and consecrates the Sacred Chrism) for the use of all the priests of the diocese throughout the coming year.  However, the Chrism Mass is also where the priests of the diocese renew their dedication to serve the people of the diocese.

Last year I was a new seminarian, heading through my second semester at Brute, and participating in my first big diocesan Mass.  This year I am a senior at Brute, quickly approaching graduation and looking forward to moving onto Theology level seminary next year at the NAC.  It has only been a year but the perspective is completely different.  However, despite all that has happened the past year – the massive increase in knowledge of, and appreciation for, philosophy, the many hours of prayer and discernment, the growth that I have seen happening in myself in all areas, the countless moments of fun and laughter, and everything else – I still found that I have a lot to learn, and discern, and grow… 

Last year I was privileged (at least in my mind) to have the position of holding the book for the Bishop.  I think this position is sometimes disliked because it is so physically demanding (that book gets heavy really fast, and you have to hold it for a long time), but I was new to the whole thing last year, so despite my shaking arms I still enjoyed being in that position immensely just because it gave me a great view of what was going on (in a job that was hard to mess up).  Anyway, this year, because we now have 20+ seminarians, I didn’t have any job during Mass, so I was just going to process in and basically just take in the sights until the end of Mass, when I would help distribute the holy oils.  Well, as it turned out, that (sorta boring) position was providential. 

After practice we had a short break (during which I worked on some homework – did I mention that I am really busy right now), and then a Holy Hour.  After Evening Prayer and Benediction all of us seminarians, along with many of the priests of the diocese went downstairs for a delicious dinner of lasagna, salad, rolls, and green beans.  Before dinner got started however, I managed to talk for a few minutes with my pastor and during the conversation he casually dropped the thought that I may have to be Sub-Deacon during the liturgies of Good Friday and Easter.  Sub-deacon, for those who aren’t familiar, was a minor level of ordination which men went through before being ordained deacons prior to Vatican II, after which point it was suppressed/eliminated.  However, in the Extraordinary Form (which I will be attending for the Easter Triduum), the position is still used in the liturgy.  Usually, it is just filled by a deacon (or priest), but – in the absence of someone who has been ordained – a non-ordained man can fill the role as a sort of “straw” subdeacon.  Still, my immediate reaction was to try and avoid the position.  Not so much because I am scared of what I may have to do, or what I’ll have to learn, but because jumping into that position seems so much closer to priesthood than “just” serving.  The subdeacon wears vestments (of some sort), and assists the priest more directly than your typical server, and so, I just felt really uncomfortable thinking about filling that role.  Sure, an un-ordained person could (canonically) fill the role, but traditionally a seminarian became a subdeacon  only a bit before being ordained Deacon (which is still a few years out for me), so I immediately was thinking about how much I wasn’t ready to jump up to that position.  It’s not like I have all that much choice in the matter – if they don’t have a subdeacon, I’m about all they have – but I still really didn’t want to do it.  Anyway, before the conversation got much further than me realizing that it sounded pretty probable that I’d have to do sub-deacon, the bell rang and off we went to dinner.

Throughout dinner and in the time before Mass that followed I didn’t really have a chance to think about the topic, but during Mass (when I didn’t have much to do except sit there), the thought began to nag at me.  Why didn’t I want to do subdeacon?  Fear? – not a good reason.  Pride? – even worse.  Inexperience? – I’ll get instructions.  Timidity? – not a good reason either.  Not thinking I was ready to fill that position? – not a problem canonically.  My dilemma: I couldn’t find a good reason to not do it, but I still didn’t want to – and that, of course, was my problem.

This job, studying to be a priest, isn’t about me.  It isn’t about what I feel like doing (or not doing), what I’m comfortable with (or not).  I felt the collar pressing against my throat (which I only wear at diocesan Masses, so it’s noticable) – this is a symbol of the priest, of the alter Christi, of me giving my life totally to Christ.  Then my mind came back to the homily and the bishop was talking to all the priests of the diocese about how they must – above any other function – care for the souls of those in their flock.  Their purpose is to serve, to humbly obey.  Gosh, thought I, there is no way I can get myself out of doing subdeacon – there isn’t someone else to do it, there is no canonical problem, fear (my motivator) isn’t coming from God, and the role that I am filling right now, seminarian, is about training for the priesthood, which means serving and obeying.  Basically, there I was trying my best to figure out a way of not becoming like Christ, and that doesn’t really fit with the goal of life which is becoming like Christ.  Jesus didn’t want to suffer, but He says “not my will but thine be done”.  Mary wasn’t ready to become the mother of God, but she said “be it done to me according to your word”.  Peter was a fisherman, he didn't think himself worthy to follow Christ, yet Christ calls him and asks him to become a “fisher of men”.  One of the guys this week gave a reflection on Jesus’ last word “it is finished” and connected it to how Christ gave Himself utterly, completely, absolutely to the Father.  We are called to do the same, to let God “finish” us, to give ourselves absolutely entirely, every moment, every feeling, and every bit of our strength, to Him.  There isn’t another way to follow – it’s all or nothing, it’s either doing God’s will, or ours, there’s nothing in between.  It’s either stepping out of the boat – doing something that we don’t want to, but that Christ calls us to – or turning back and not following Christ.  

Basically, during Mass I realized my continuing need for conversion.  I realized that my fears and desires weren’t directing me towards God, they were directing me away from God.  I don’t want to be subdeacon, but what does God want?  Am I willing to go out of my comfort zone, am I willing to step up to the plate, to not say no when I am asked to do something hard?  Here I am, in the middle of Holy Week, thinking ahead to Good Friday – when Jesus Christ, My God, gave Himself completely for me – and I’m worried about filling the uncomfortable position (for me) of subdeacon.  “Take up your cross!”


Yep, so yesterday was awesome, not only because of the time I got to spend with all the other seminarians from my diocese, and the splendor of the Mass, and the good food we got to eat beforehand, and the Holy Hour that we did with all the priests and bishop, but more importantly because it really forced me to see where I have some progress to make, some converting to do, some legitimate sacrifice to be offered up.  It forced me to realize that following God’s will isn’t always easy – but you have to do it anyway.  Despite the difficulty that I may experience in doing subdeacon, despite my reservations and fears, I am thankful to God that he has called me to do it.  I still don't want to, but I know that it will lead to my growth in humility and obedience, both things that I certainly need more of.  Thank you Lord!
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