Showing posts with label The Cross. Show all posts

A Day in the Life at the NAC

About a year ago I wrote an entire week of posts, basically just describing what the day-to-day life of seminary involved at Brute.  Well, now I'm in Rome, at the NAC, and I figured that you guys might be interested in the day-to-day happenings here.  I've only been able to write a few posts so far unfortunately, and I found that I really wasn't speaking to much on what the usual life here is like - I either talked just about one little moment or like an entire month, neither of which really tells you what the typical day is all about.  So, without further ado, here's today:

So, this morning the alarm went off at 5 AM.  Unfortunately, I stayed up till midnight last night working on a paper that's due in my theology seminar tomorrow and skyping the family (a seven hour time differential wreaks havoc with communication), so I woke up pretty tired.  Nevertheless, after quickly shutting off the alarm, I creaked down from my bed (I have a loft, which is great, but it does shake a bit when I move around on it), and proceeded to try and wake myself up by doing this "seven minute workout".  It's an app that I found for my phone that times out thirty second intervals during which you do push-ups, jumping-jacks, crunches, lunges, or whatever.  So, seven minutes later I was breathing a bit harder, just about to start sweating, and very much awake.  I turned on a podcast - this one happened to be Fr. Fessio on Catholic Answers Live - and proceeded to get dressed (in clerics! - which is still pretty cool even after wearing them every day for a month or two), brush my teeth, shave, and do those other things that are necessary each morning.  10 minutes later the podcast was paused, I grabbed my breviary, a prayerbook, a notebook, and Scott Hahn's The Lamb's Supper, and rattled down the 6 flights of stairs to the chapel.  It was now about 5:30 and I spent the next 45 minutes doing the Office of Readings, meditating a bit on the readings for the day, reading a chapter on the Mass out of Scott Hahn's book, and just spending some quiet minutes preparing myself for Mass and offering up the entire day to God.  I was certainly tired, but not to such an extent that prayer was impossible, and there was something beautiful about just telling God that - despite everything - I was going to try and give Him my best today.  Nothing spectacular on my end, but a good start to the week nonetheless.

Morning Prayer began (in common) at 6:15, followed by Mass, and - I have to say - I wasn't struggling quite as much as I thought I would based on the amount of sleep I got last night.  I think the time change (which happened last weekend here in Rome) helped because it is now light when we come out of the chapel after Mass (which was a happy surprise this morning, but probably something that unconsciously was helping me stay awake).  One of the deacons (I hate to say it, but I didn't remember his name and I forgot to look it up) gave a very good homily on how Jesus intended to heal the woman on the Sabbath because He is the Logos, the Word made flesh, through Whom the world was first created, and His salvific mission is to bring God's creation back into right relationship with God.  Brokenness, sinfulness, hatefulness, sickness - and every other kind of evil - weren't there when God created the world - He created it good.  But through man's choosing themselves over God - in sin - evil enters the world, and the world becomes twisted, broken away from God.  Jesus enters to bring the world back to God (and radically bring God into the world).  He heals, not to disregard the Sabbath, but to bring mankind to true rest, apart from sin, in union with God.  And, of course, He invites us to that same rest, that same union, every day in Holy Communion!  

After a couple minutes of prayer following Mass I walked down the hall to the refectory for breakfast, which, this morning anyway, involved leftover cornetti (sweet croissants) from yesterday, hard boiled eggs, and some yogurt/cereal/plum concoction.  15 minutes later - after chatting with some guys while eating - I charged up the 6 flights of stairs to my room, spent about 10 minutes getting ready for class, and then grabbed a jacket (it was in the 50s this morning), headed back down the stairs, and out onto the streets of Rome.  Originally, I began my walk listening to another podcast (gotta spend every moment wisely!) and studying the Hebrew alphabet (not terribly easy to do simultaneously), but after about 10 minutes I ran into some other guys on the way to class and so we spent the rest of the 30 minute walk talking about Rome, classes, plans for the rest of the day, and other such things.  It's funny how quickly I got used to walking over to class - it's crazy to think that I get to walk past the Piazza Navona, Santa Maria sopra Minerva, and the Pantheon every day on my way to class!  Fun times!

I arrived at the Greg. (Pontifical Gregorian University - if you want the full name) at about 8:20, with just enough time to head up the 2 flights of stairs, get settled into my desk, and log into the wifi before class began.  Classes are all in Italian - which, today as always, was a struggle.  We had two hours of Pentateuch and then 2 hours of Church History, both divided into two 45 minutes periods with a 15 minute break in between.  I am always very glad when the raucous bell goes off (it really does make a racket) and we get the break because it offers me a chance to clear my mind, stretch a bit, pray a bit (there is a very nice chapel up on the 3rd floor), or otherwise relax a bit - a very necessary thing to do because after 45 minutes of struggling mightily to translate what the professor is saying and type it out, my brain is usually pretty much fried and very ready to get distracted.  Classes have been getting better over the last 3 weeks, I guess I'm picking up new words and getting faster at translating, but I am very glad that guys better at Italian than myself are taking notes (that we then share) because otherwise, I'd be left with only about half of what we talk about in class.  Speaking of which, today we finished talking about the flood and began studying the tower of babel - and how God constantly tries to return man to His loving plan for creation, and away from mankind's tendencies to try to make himself God, and take the easy road to happiness, power, glory, or whatever.  In Church History we talked about the persecution of the early church - the writings of the Church Fathers at that time (St. Justin, St. Ignatius, St. John Chrysostom, etc.), other sources we have of that period (The Acts of the Martyrs, The Letter to Diagnetus, etc.), and the reasons behind the persecution and the phases it went through under different emperors.  That class, in particular, I'm going to have to rely on the notes because while there were PowerPoint slides (which are much easier to translate than simply an oral lecture), they each had about a thousand words on them - so it seemed - so I usually got about half-way through the slide before he flipped onto the next one...  Anyway, piano, piano (slowly, slowly).  In between the first and second period I took like a micro-nap (first time I've ever done that), which actually helped a ton with staying alert for the rest of the time, for the second break I spent some time in the chapel (again, dedicating the work of the day to Our Lord), and I think I just talked with some of the other students for the last break (there are probably about 80-100 students in the class, 20-something of which are from the NAC, and all the others are from other universities or orders around Rome, most of which don't have English as their first language, or Italian, so that can be a struggle at times as well - ah well, we keep trying!)

The walk back was beautiful!  It was just warm enough to not need the jacket, and it was just cool enough to not start sweating on the hike up the hill to the NAC (we're located on the Janiculum hill, one of the 7 hills of Rome).  As always, the streets are busy in places (mainly with people, we actually only have to worry about cars at a couple of intersections), and there are many people stuck in poverty who we always try to give at least a "bongiorno" and a smile.  I'm still getting used to both groups, and trying to constantly remember to be not only polite, but kind and loving - even if only for the moment.  It's one of those things, wearing the collar constantly reminds me of my call - especially as a seminarian - to live, and love, like Christ, which is a constant challenge, especially when you'd really rather just hurry back and get some lunch than stop and give somebody directions, or struggle to communicate your compassion to that homeless lady who always calls out to you as you walk past.  It's a real challenge, one that I didn't expect, and one that I need to constantly take to prayer!

Today, for the first time, I served at pranzo.  That basically means that instead of saying the Rosary like I usually do upon getting back (there's about 20 minutes between us getting back and pranzo), I instead headed into the refectory and started to set out jugs of water and bowls of salad on all the tables (36 tables, 2 jugs each, and the water-machines are pretty slow - it takes a while even with a couple guys working on it).  Then, after about 10 minutes we started carrying back salad plates and carrying out trays of pasta (today was noodles with a creamy red sauce and little flakes of ham - really good but I have no idea what it was called).  20 minutes later, the process repeated, this time carrying back the plate used for pasta and bringing out the secundo (today it was roast beef of some sort with tomato sauce along with peas).  And, a couple minutes after that it was time to carry out bowls of fruit (the dessert for today) and continue to clear plates and stuff.  I would have thought there would be down time, but there wasn't.  I was constantly on the move, going to fetch more food, or cheese, or water, or trying not to drop a stack of plates and silverware (always a balancing act).   Either way, at 2, everybody finishes up, the waiters sit down at their own table, and then we get to eat our own pranzo (same as everybody else's, but we just wolfed it down, and headed off to get things done that afternoon).  It was a fun first time - not hard, not easy, not bad - yeah, actually kind of fun!

I spent the next two hours in the library, working on the process of note-redacting.  Basically, because I'm not one of the chosen note-takers, I have the other job of taking the notes from three different guys for one of our classes (Introduction to Scripture) and combing them all.  The goal is to then have a pretty complete set of notes for the class which everybody can then use to fill in the gaps in their own knowledge.  I thought the process would be easy - boy, was I wrong.  It was such a challenge to look at the 3 or 4 different sets of notes, figure out when they are talking about the same thing, and then combine them in such a way that you lose nothing of any of their meanings but don't repeat anything at the same time.  It was way more of a challenge than I anticipated, and it took all two hours I had open in the afternoon (which I was hoping it wouldn't).  Anyway, such is the way it worked out - I'll have to find more time in the future to do it - but for today, I didn't have any more time!  After struggling to get the computer to save (the network wasn't working quite right) I raced out of the library, down to the St. John Paul II class-room (we don't usually have classes here at the NAC, but they do have some rooms for the occasional lecture or something I suppose), where I attended a meeting of the Legion of Mary.  

I was in the active Legion back at home, before seminary, so the meeting itself wasn't new, but I wanted to check it out as a possible apostolate for next semester because their work sounds really, really cool.  Basically, next semester I'll have an apostolate - which could be helping at a nursing home, working at a soup kitchen, visiting a prison, leading tours of St. Peter's, or - another option - doing evangelization in St. Peter's square for the Legion of Mary.  It sounds really fun actually - standing out there, meeting and greeting tourists who come there and answering any questions they have about the basilica, the Church, Christ, His saints, or any of the other innumerable questions that come up when you visit Rome.  It's an easy opportunity to lead people to grow deeper in their faith (or understand the importance of faith), and I will probably put it as one of the apostolates that I'd like to do.  We'll see, I'll be actually trying out the work in the square on Wednesday, so I guess I'll have to wait till then to be sure.

Anyway - running from one thing to the next - I charged back up the 7 flights of stairs to my room (I was in the basement), grabbed my Breviary, the Bible, Benedict XVI's Jesus of Nazareth, and the Magnificat and headed back down to the chapel for an hour of Eucharistic Adoration.  I got there just in time for it to start at 5:45 and spent the first bit of time just quietly adoring Our Lord, and then meditating on the readings for tomorrow and the psalms for mid-day prayer.  It was tough to strike the balance between quieting my mind and not falling asleep, but I did fairly well today!  I read the chapter on the Kingdom of God today from Ratzinger's book, which was absolutely beautiful.  He explained how the "Kingdom of God" isn't just a individual relationship with Christ, and it isn't just the Church, and it isn't some sort of earthly kingdom which holds Christian principles or something - rather, the "Kingdom of God" is Christ Himself.  Yes, present within us, and His Church, and throughout the world - but fundamentally, when Christ announces that the Kingdom of God is at hand, He is announcing Himself, living, incarnate, actual, moving, loving and desiring that we open ourselves up to Him and allow Him to reign over our hearts, our lives, our families, our decisions, our countries, and our world!  Something that Pope Benedict didn't mention, but I was graced with the thought a couple minutes later during Benediction, was that in the Our Father, Jesus tells us to pray "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" - obviously indicating that we should strive to accept, to unite ourselves with, to do, God's will (that He may reign over our hearts - where He truly wants His Kingdom to come), but the very next line - drum-roll please - is "give us this day our daily bread".  Again, boom, it struck me of the incredibleness and importance of the Eucharist.  It is in this "daily bread", this supernatural bread, that Jesus gives us Himself.  Our "Amen" to receiving "the Body of Christ" is not only our statement of belief that this is "Christ the Son of the Living God", but also that we are willing to unite ourselves with Him so closely that He can enter our very hearts and souls.  With our reception of Holy Communion, we let Christ reign over us, we surrender to His will for our lives, we let His kingdom come!  Yeah, that was a pretty awesome moment! 

After doing Evening Prayer as a community, and saying another quick little prayer of dedication and thanksgiving, everybody headed off to the refectory for dinner.  I chose (it is buffet style) to have a little bit of pasta (shells with a cream sauce), some slices of turkey in gravy, a salad, and a banana with peanut butter (we rarely have bananas here, at least right now, so it was a treat!).  Again, nothing outrageously amazing, but it was all good, and hot, and there were good conversations to be had, and there was a banana!  

Alright, the day's almost complete!  After dinner I ran back up to my room, spent a bit of time on writing this post, worked for a couple minutes on Hebrew (I need to spend so much more time on that), and then went down and caught the last 30 minutes of a praise-and-worship hour that happens here once a week.  I had rarely done that sort of things before this semester, but there is something beautiful about that way of singing and praising God - I guess I didn't expect to like it, but in the right context it is beautiful, powerful, and prayerful!  Then, continuing to run to the next thing, I watched one episode of Agents of Shield, a TV series based off of the Marvel comic strips and films.  It's actually quite a good show - without too much language or other kinds of vices, but showing a decent amount of action and some seriously difficult moral decisions (which they don't always make the right choice).  You know, a couple super-hero's, good guys fighting bad guys, it's fun!

And now, I'm finally finishing this post, getting ready to post it and hit the sack (currently, I'll be getting 5 hours and 56 minutes of sleep tonight... - not enough, but it'll have to do).  It was a long day, I literally didn't have more than a couple minutes anywhere when I wasn't doing something or onto the next thing, but - as always - God provides and "tomorrow will worry about itself".  I recall hearing of a priest saying that he wanted to be tired each evening - spending himself for God and his flock - and I was inspired by it!  Don't we all want to really give our lives for something that's worth it!  But, I was kind of assuming that he woke up every morning having gotten 8 hours of sleep, with the sun shining, and a game-plan of what amazing things he was going to do that day.  Apparently, yeah, God is asking me to give myself - day-in-day-out - to Him, but that means being tired when you go to bed, and when you wake up!  Hmmm...  Something about picking up one's cross comes to mind - I guess I should have expected a bit of tiredness, frustration, business, and the daily grind.  Ah well, again, God will provide - it's an amazing life, if busy, and I'm loving every minute, even if exhausted!
Read More
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comments

The Diaconate Ordination - Beautiful in many ways, but God's love is more beautiful!

Well, I'm still alive and well here in Rome...  My sincere apologies for not getting anything up here for the longest time!  There has been so many things that I've wanted to blog about, and I've always started a post only to get it half-way done and then never getting it completed.  Here's hoping I can get this one done!  (I may end up doing shorter posts, hoping thereby to be able to actually get them done, rather than attempting some comprehensive, uber-detailed, bazillion-word long recounting of the past 5 weeks...)

I'm in there someplace...
So, today, at long last, was the Diaconate Ordination, during which 43 of the 4th-year men here at the NAC were ordained deacons in St. Peter's Basilica at the Altar of the Chair (far end of the Basilica, beyond the main baldicino).  Let's just put it this way; it was stupendous!  I was privileged enough to be in the choir, which meant that I was pretty close, just off to the left, of the altar.  Being a Tenor II (high-middle section of the male vocal range) meant I also had the coveted seats in the choir stalls (rather than lower and off to the side, where the view wasn't as direct).  Of course, being in that section also meant I was constantly stretching to reach the higher notes in some of the pieces, which wasn't always a problem during the many practices we had running up to the ordination (one of the reasons I've been busy), but after three hours of singing, with the only breaks being during the readings, my vocal cords were tired and my abs were sore (vocal cords because I was singing incorrectly, abs because I was constantly tensing them to give as much support as possible and I guess I haven't done enough crunches lately).  The music though, after my mistakes and cracking-voice was drowned out by the other 40-50 guys in the choir, was spectacular.  As I said, we'd been practicing a lot - and for good reason - we sang like 40 different pieces over the last week or so (there have been several different ceremonies leading up to the ordination).  However, the work, and tiredness, were completely worth it!  We got to sing Cantate Domino, the Festival Alleluia, Biebl's Ave Maria, countless chanted pieces, Dicit Mater Ejus, and many, many, other beautiful pieces! 
St. Peter's is splendid!
And, beyond the music, the ceremony itself was just amazing.  There we were, in St. Peter's Basilica, the largest Christian Church in the world, and the entire distance from the front of the main altar/baldicino, all the way around it, filling all the way to the back of the Basilica was packed with family and friends of the to-be-ordained and then, in the sanctuary, with countless priests, deacons, and bishops.  I don't know the exact numbers, but last year there were 500+ priests in attendance, and I think somebody said there were like 1800 others there as well.  Needless to say, just the location was impressive.  

But, even more amazing than that, was all these young men, on fire with God's love and putting everything on the line for Him.  I am proud to live with them!  Even in the very short time that I've gotten to meet them - most of them I don't even remember there name (yet) - I've seen over and over again that willingness to do His will, in everything, in so many instances.  Inviting us into their rooms to say hello, taking us out to breakfast (at the only American breakfast place in town - I had a bagel, with eggs and bacon, as well as a milk-shake and slice of apple pie, it was great), playing sports, leading prayer, doing Benediction, eating meals together, supporting us in Italian, recommending places to go on trips, being patient with our complete lack of knowledge of the place, just saying hello after Mass each day and totally making us feel welcome.  They are great men, and they are men working, and wanting, to be saints!  It's awesome to see!
The men prostrate after making their promises, before being ordained!

The laying on of hands!
But, even more amazing than that - yep, it's about to get even better - is the work that they are allowing God to do in them.  As I've come to realize over the past couple weeks, especially while on retreat last week, while we have to give life our best efforts - we have to grit our teeth and persevere when the going gets tough, we have to throw ourselves out there and try our hardest in sports, or studies, or friendships, or prayer - even more importantly we need to learn humility and rely on God.  Priesthood isn't about me becoming a great preacher, or an inspirational leader, or a kind pastor, or a smart theologian, it's about me becoming Christ.  And that folks, is something that is way, way beyond my capabilities.  There is no way in 4 years, or in 40 years, I can learn to teach, lead, or love like Christ.  He is the true, the ultimate, the Divine, prophet, king, and priest, and while he continues to call men to follow Him radically as priests, it is only through complete reliance, submission, and openness to Him that a man can be transformed and recreated in Christ's image.  And, in these 43 men, I see alive in front of me men who are willing to lay down their lives, not only in taking up their own crosses, their own weaknesses, their own struggles, but also willing to let Christ's cross guide, change, sanctify, and anchor them.  They are men who have learned to not rely on themselves, to not do it themselves, to not carve their own road, but to rely on Christ, to let Him work through Him, and to follow His call.  

"May God, Who has begun this work in you,
bring it to fulfilment"
Cardinal Wuerl, who ordained the men this morning, noted that the role of deacon is - as recounted in Acts - to have love and generosity of heart towards Christ and His Church.  But, this generosity isn't superficial, or dainty, it's a love that means they are willing to lay down their lives for their friends, for their greatest friend, Jesus Christ.  It is a love that means realizing that God, Who "before you were born, knew you", also knows the best plan for your life, and to have the courage to say a humble "yes" to that plan, even when you aren't quite sure what that yes means.  Those 43 men had the courage to say "yes" this morning.  They were willing to promise to be obedient, to remain celibate, to pray constantly, to, literally, conform their lives to Christ's - who is the model of obedience, celibacy, and prayerfulness - so as to serve Christ Church and His people.  This conformation (is that a word?) only happens, reminded the Cardinal, through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.  But, that is exactly what ordination is!  As with all the sacraments, they are God working through human actions and worldly stuff to enter the world, to pour out His grace.  Faith tells us that these men are changed forever, marked indelibly, eternally chosen - by God - to be deacons for Christ.  It's a supernatural calling, it's an amazing calling, it's a humbling calling!  

Yeah, so let's just say that this morning was great!  The music, the liturgy, the stupendous cathedral, the superb young men - they all were great (as were the snacks and socializing afterwards), but above and beyond all that (quite literally) was God's wonderful and powerful love.  Let us too, humbly, trustingly, completely, open ourselves up to God!

Yay, a post is complete!  In other news, tomorrow I'll be leaving on a trip to San Giovanni Rotundo (where St. Padre Pio was a friar, and where he is now buried), with a couple of other guys here from dioceses in Illinois.  It should be quite a lot of fun, and hopefully a prayerful trip as well.  And then - drum-roll please - on Monday classes begin at the Gregorian!  It's been a wild ride these last couple months but I think things will finally start to settle down once that all gets going (it will be a new challenge, but something that I think I will enjoy very much as well).  Please do keep me in your prayers - not only that the classes will start well, but also, and more importantly, that I'll learn to truly place myself in God's hands over these next years - and then, God willing, I'll be laying down on that floor in 3 short years giving myself to Him ever more completely!  God is good!
Read More
, , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comments

Last Day in the USA

Alright, so I'm trying to get back into the whole blogging about my day thing (if that makes sense) so here I am in St. Louis, it's closing in on midnight, and I'm pecking away at this Bluetooth keyboard (connected to a cheap tablet that is the stand-in for my computer for the next few weeks) and I decided to write up a quick (yeah right) blog post!

So, today began - after a long day yesterday of stressing out about what I needed to pack/bring in my suitcase with me - with 8 AM Mass at St. Francis.  It was great to begin the day with Holy Mass - we've been going to noon Mass at St. Rose on most days - it just made sure my heart was in the right place when the day began.  Following Mass, we went over to Underbrinks (a local bakery) to pick up some breakfast, but ended up at Daylight Donuts because Underbrinks was closed for the week.  After some tasty donuts, I was back in packing mode and started shoving the last bit of stuff in my suitcase and trying (with little success) to fit all the notebooks and other remaining stuff in my backpack (I was trying really hard to keep everything in just those two bags).  As it turned out, I got most everything squeezed in there, but my one large suitcase was over the 50lb weight limit - it was pretty densely packed, what can I say - so I spent another half hour or something carefully taking things out (I was legitimately counting ounces as things came out) and got my bag down to 49lbs.  We'll see what the baggage people say tomorrow, but I think I'll barely fit under the limit.

For lunch the entire family went over to the Veteran's Home and had lunch with a previous pastor of ours (from several years back).  It was good to see him again, and good to see that he was doing pretty well (though he does seem to be going downhill a bit).  Dad had made a delicious lunch with leftover burgers and bacon (along with other stuff, but I'm currently focusing on eating as much American food as I can, so that is what jumped out), which undoubtabely made the event that much more awesome.

Anyway, we then quickly ran home, I grabbed a few things that I had remembered that I had forgotten (if that makes any sense) and we hit the road to St. Louis.  It was a moment of both excitement and trepidation and - you know - a bit of emotion as I walked out of the house that I had grown up in, and always fondly returned to, knowing that I wouldn't be back for a couple of years. I'll miss it - it's home...  On the road I typed addresses and phone numbers into my new tablet (so I can keep in touch with people back home) and after a couple of hours of that excitement we arrived at my grandparent's house in the St. Peters area.  We chatted for just a bit and then drove down into down-town St. Louis to the Cathedral.

Because my flight leaves so early tomorrow (I have to be at the airport at 7 AM), we were going to go to the Saturday Evening Mass of anticipation (to be precise!), and I hadn't been to the St. Louis Cathedral in a while and so that's where we went.  Well, what can I say, it is breathtaking.  I've been to Rome a few years back for just a week or two and I think that this cathedral is preparing me well for my return there.  Just a huge, stunning, ornate, heavenly, beautiful place of worship - you can't help but feel the presence of God!  Oh, and the homily (given by a transitional deacon - I assume for the Archdiocese of St. Louis) was also excellent. 

He was talking about the parable of the seed that falls on different kinds of soil and originally he mentioned that he was planning on preaching about evangelization - how we must be sowers of God's seed.  But then he said that he had read the catechism section about this scripture passage and found that his focus should rather be on us, individually, who must make the choice to convert (turn back) to God, to truly listen to what Christ is calling US to, and to ask him - humbly - for the grace necessary to overcome our weaknesses and failings to follow that plan.  Gosh, it's such a simple, foundational, message, but I need to be reminded of it so often.  Following Christ isn't just reading about Him, His church, or His teaching (that's part of it), and it isn't just intellectually knowing that we should rely on Him and abandon ourselves to Him.  It also, very importantly, is about dropping on our knees and begging Him to show us the way, to strengthen our wills, to soften the ground of our hearts so His word, and love, and grace can fill us and lead us.  Sometimes I think that I consider this too simple, but that humble, simple, complete reliance on God is what the spiritual journey is all about.  We are called to do little things with great love (words of Mother Theresa), not great things with whatever love we can come up with ourselves.  Great love, divine love, only comes from Christ.  The words, the seed, the vocation, the faith, only comes from Him!  I did try to track down the exact quote he pulled from the catechism, but I was unfortunately unable to dig it out (limited resources here...)  Basically, it was a magnificent reminder - to me at least - that I really need to just throw myself down in front of Our Lord and give Him everything, no offering up this day, or this sacrifice, or this cross, or weakness, or whatever - actually telling Him to take me completely - all my talents, all my disordered attachments, all my failings, all my fears, all my weaknesses, all my abilities - and use me for His will.  Humility is realizing our ranking in comparison to God - yeah, nilch - and then realizing that He has entrusted us, has planned for us, some path that will bring us to perfect happiness with Him, and further realizing that we can't even accept/strive after this gift without His help (we're that weak and broken and attached to sin).  But God is love, He gives Himself to us every day in the Holy Eucharist, and every other Sacrament, and so many other moments of grace, and we just need to remember to beg Him to soften our hard hearts, to help us to open ourselves to Him.  It's hard, but even that is the wrong way to think about it because on our own it's impossible.

Alright, so I could go on, but I won't.  The homily was excellent - that was only part of it, the few minutes we explored the basilica after Mass was incredible - so many awesome mosaics, and the dinner we had afterwards was about as American as they come - golden corral!  It was a great day, now it's way past the time I should have gone to bed, and with no means of getting the pictures from my camera to my tablet, I guess for now this post will have to be a boring wall-of-text.

Night folks!  God bless!  Say a quick prayer for me tomorrow as I say good-by to my family and board a plane for Rome!  Man, I can't wait!  God is great! 

Read More
, , , , , , , , , , 1 Comments

Arrivederci! - A Week of Fun & Family, Packing & Preparing, Finding God's Good Amidst the Sacrifice of Going to Rome

So this morning I sat down at mom and dad's computer (because mine is broken) and started writing a post about love, how it is so much more than the modern world thinks it is, and requires so much more on our part.  But then I started getting bogged down trying to introduce the topic and so, I switched to this post, which is just as belated in coming, but will be much easier to quickly bang out.  Of course, the one on love is probably more important, but I'll have to wait for a bit of inspiration before that one gets moving again...

Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati
There are so many things that I have wanted to blog about this summer: just the typical day with the family (wake up at 7, pray, eat breakfast, work on Italian a bit, go to Mass, eat lunch, pack something, pray some more, go for a run, eat dinner, watch a movie, play a board game, pray the rosary, go to bed...), more about vacation (something about all the wonderful blessings God has given me - a great family, so much great hiking, kayaking, site-seeing, and eating), or about true fatherhood (and how it must emulate the Trinity, especially in a sacrificial love), or how difficult it is to avoid being lazy during the summer (how to carve out time for prayer, or growing in generosity...), or about Our Lady, or the Sacred Heart, or Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati (feast day a few days ago, incredible model for sanctity, charity, and chastity, from the modern world), and so on...  Basically, as always, I've had a ton of good ideas and not enough time and - more disastrously - not enough will power, to write them up (as of right now, I have like 60 something posts that are stuck in some kind of preliminary draft, most, I don't think, are going to escape that status).

So, I find myself less than a week away from leaving for Rome and I haven't wrote much, if anything, about what that means. So, this post will be practical, and maybe a bit funny - explaining what I've been up to lately in regards to preparing for my immanent departure - as well as explanatory - saying what I know about my trip over to the Eternal City, and what will happen once I get there - and finally, it will also be reflective - on my discernment up to this point and what it's like to be heading off to Rome.  I haven't gotten all these ideas straightened out in my head yet, but hopefully they will all come out in some sort of coherent fashion.

My Italian Visa!
Alright, so last week, having spent the previous 4 weeks at Springfield (for the ordinations), Chicago (to apply for an Italian Visa - which I have since received in the mail!), Washington (on vacation), Indianapolis (for Brute days), and Marbury, AL (to visit my sister, who is a novice at the Dominican Monastery of St. Jude down there), I didn't have much time to pack.  And so, when the 3rd or 4th week of July came around - the recommended dates by which I should ship my stuff over to Rome - I hadn't even started.  In fact, I still had four boxes of stuff on my floor, not to ship over, but ones that I hadn't even unpacked yet from moving out of Brute (yeah, I've been procrastinating).   So, as is usually the case, when I reached the point where I absolutely couldn't wait any longer, I decided to start.  I began by throwing everything in those boxes out on my floor, printing off the handy list that the NAC has made of things you should bring, and starting some sort of Catholic podcast on my iPod - here we go!  "School supplies" - well, I can get those later, I wouldn't forget things like that [yeah right!]..., "Liturgy of the Hours" - grabs them, shoves as many Holy Cards as possible into crevices between books, places in empty box - check, "Contact Lenses and Solution" - pounds down stairs, "hey dad, what's that place that you order contacts from?" [several minutes later, myself mystified by the technical jargon cryptically printed on the side of the box - spherical correction, pupilary distance, DIA, BC, ... dad decides to order the stuff - THANKS DAD! - and I pound back up to my room - check, "Italian grammar books" - checks Amazon.com, scrolls through the first 5 Italian/English dictionaries, finds one for $10, with 4 star reviews, clicks "add to cart", then gets distracted by Facebook, or YouTube, or some technology site - maybe I should get this tablet, or camera, or cool power conversion thingamabob - and then finally moves back to packing - check, "Two black suits and black pants" - check, "dozens of black socks" - "dozens!, I've never had a dozen black socks, if I have 6 pairs, that match, I think I'm doing good!", digs through the box of clothes that mom ordered, "hey look, black socks - oh yeah, mom printed this list out! [THANKS MOM!]" - check, "books" - glances around at pile of papers strewn across the floor - information on debit card, nope, visa application, nope, candidacy paperwork, nope, travel documentation, nope, finally finds the list of books, and then spends hours painstakingly tracking down the best prices for those books, and then orders the really important ones - check, sort of...  Then I glance at the clock, 11:20, good grief, we're leaving for Mass in 20 minutes, and I still need to take a shower and do morning prayer...

Too much stuff!
Such was the typical morning last week - I say week because though I expected to be able to get all my boxes packed up in a day or two, that didn't exactly happen.  Actually, I decided that I would ship my bike over as well - a lot of guys apparently have them over there, and I could see that it would be genuinely useful - can't be too hard right?  Off I went to the bicycle shop - on my bike, so they could see what kind I had - "Do you guy sell bicycle boxes?", "yep.", "OK, can I get one for my [insert type of bicycle here] bike?"  "Sure, but there is no way you'll be able to carry it home riding your bike." Oh ye of little faith, think I, it's only like a mile home, and I'm not too ashamed to look like a dork for a few minutes...  "Alright, I'll come back with a car." [a few hours later, having gone to Mass, talked with the guy at the FedEx place, and run by the bank, I return to the bike shop.] "Hi there, I'm here to pick up a bicycle box."  "Alright, that'll be $5.35, they're bringing it out from the back now."  Then, out from the back came one of the biggest boxes I had ever seen.  I mean, you couldn't fit a refrigerator in it, but there is no way I could have carried it on my bike, not even for a couple of blocks.  I awkwardly grappled with it and marched out to the car, where thankfully it squeezed into the backseat.

 Fast-forwarding through the last week - I managed to fit my bicycle into this enormous box (it took up way more space than I thought it would), and I packed in as much clothing and towels and whatnot in around it (not only to secure the bike, but also to use up all that otherwise empty space) to the point where the box was bulging ominously, and I also finally got around to fitting the last several books into each of those other boxes, and finally [sorry, this is definitely a run-on sentence] I roped my brother into helping me and we took them out to the FedEx place [5 'and's - that's terrible].  And, wouldn't you know it, they were closed because it was the day before Independence Day.  I was a bit frustrated, not only because they were closed, but also because I was already running about a week behind on getting everything shipped and now it looked like it would be another week before I could get everything moving.  Thankfully though, I found another FedEx place outside of Quincy (I guess their sorting facility or something) and they were open.  So, after driving out there, and filling out the paperwork (which wasn't short or easy), and lugging the stuff into the tiny office, I finally was able to drive away knowing (alright, more like hoping) that it was all on its way.  Update from the future: Everything arrived just a few days later in Rome and is now awaiting my arrival!

 Another big thing that happened this week regarding my immanent departure for the Eternal City was a big going away party of sorts on Saturday.  Mom had been planning it for several weeks now, thinking about all the different cool kinds of food, writing up lists of people to invite, scoping out (and renting) a pavilion at a park, and getting the house ready for the 20ish family members who were staying over.  Basically, it was going to be a pretty big deal and a last major opportunity for me to tell people what I was heading into (as well as I knew it) and - you know - saying good-buy.  Many of my cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents were there, as were a lot of family friends from Church and elsewhere, and after a bit of rain and chilly weather in the morning, the afternoon turned into a perfect 80 degree and sunny day!  We had brats, hot-dogs, pulled-pork, mustard, onions, pickles, cole-slaw, potato-salad, pasta-salad, texas caviar (salsa on steroids), chips of all kinds, baked beans, watermelon, cookies, brownies, blackberry dump cake, angel food cake, strawberries, peaches, and on and on...  (It was all absolutely delicious!)  I was able to tell pretty much everybody a huge thanks for coming as well as a brief summary of what I would be up to over the next few weeks (on Sunday, fly to Rome, stay a week at the PNAC doing preliminary orientation stuff, then go to Assisi for 4 weeks of Italian immersion, then back to Rome for the full orientation, with all the old/past-year guys as well, before finally starting classes in late September).  And, to my delight, I was also able to have a ton of fun playing tag and soccer - I am not in as good of shape as I was even 2 months ago, something about not working out 4 times a week does that to you (oh, and all that food)...

 So yeah, gosh, it was a spectacular, awesome, really-fun day.  I could go into many of the minor stories of talking with people, trying to stay warm during the morning of July 5th (what's up with that?) launching paper lanterns with cousins, collapsing that night on my sleeping-bag (the boys were kicked outside in tents because "there was no room for [us] in the place where travelers lodge" - sorry, I had to do that, the tents actually weren't bad at all).  I could reminisce about just how much of a blast it was to spend the weekend with all my cousins (as well as all those other friends) - all the fun things we did, chats we had, food we ate, or time we spent together.  But I guess I won't - rather I just want to emphasize just how blessed I am with all those wonderful, fun, people in my lives.  The times I've spent with all of them are beyond wonderful, they've been absolutely splendid, and I suppose that's a good segue into the next topic of this post: just how much I'm going to miss all of them.

 At first glance - for myself too - being able to study in Rome looked like a dream come true.  I'll be honest, every since I first heard that seminarians studied in Rome, I was hoping to be able to do it.  But then came the moment of decision, back several months now, and I saw that it would also be hard to leave everything I know and love behind (to some extent).  Of course, back in November, that moment was far removed, so even though it was one of the few things that held me back from immediately saying yes, it wasn't an immediate concern.  Now, of course, it is.  I have watched the months slip past from the beginnings of my last semester in college, to Easter, to finals, and then to summer.  Even after graduation I comforted myself with the thought that I had another 2 months - packed with things to do and see and experience with family and friends - before I had to leave for Rome.  But now, 3 days away from take-off, I find myself in the really weird situation of being incredibly excited about taking that next step, of heading off to Rome for the theology years of seminary, and at the same time being saddened by the thought of leaving my family and friends behind.  Don't get me wrong, I'll make tons of great, new, friends over there, but it's going to be hard to not be with everybody from back home.  Am I worried about the Italian - sure - the oral finals - a bit - the totally unfamiliar place - yeah - but not that much...  I'm confidant that I can manage all those things.  But the remaining challenge, of leaving family and friends behind (again, not completely, I can skype, but it's not quite the same), that is something that no amount of hard work, or late nights, or confidence, can overcome.  That is a "loss", a sacrifice, that only God's grace is going to bring good out of.  Again, don't think that I'm considering it some dire, terrible, moment - moving away happens to everybody at some point, it would have happened in some measure regardless of whichever seminary I did theology at, but for me, going as far away as Rome, I think, will be especially challenging.  

 I guess, what I'm trying to say here, is that I first thought that doing seminary in Rome would be completely wonderful, no sacrifices in sight - but I was wrong.  I still consider it a huge opportunity, and I'm sure it will be a wonderful, awesome, fun experience, and I know it will be spectacular to see everything over there, but I am now realizing that following ones vocation always brings one closer to the cross.  In a way, I'm glad, it means I'm on the right track - no pain, no gain; no cross, no Christ.  My aunt reminded me of this precise truth when she was here (and helping me go through the list of things I still need to pack) - every vocation - marriage, priesthood, religious life, single life - requires us to unite ourselves with Christ on the cross.  There is no resurrection, no victory, no heaven, without Calvary, without deciding to give up my wants, my petty pleasures, my sins, and instead allowing Christ's love to completely penetrate me.  Every vocation requires conversion, requires us becoming more like Christ (meaning being humble enough to accept death, even death on a cross), and I have found a tiny sliver of this truth in the otherwise fantastic chance I have received to be able to study in Rome.  I've been telling people over the past few months that I am both excited and scared to do my theology there, but in writing this post, I have realized that I'm not scared, I'm just excited.  Wait a second, you say, half this post was about how tough it's going to be for you to go over there, isn't that fear?  Well, no it's not, at least not any more.  Now, knowing full well that it could be tough to step on that plane (as well as the weeks that follow), I have realized that that small cross, that tiny sacrifice (in the big scheme of things) is a chance for me to follow Christ.  I feel better than ever about going to Rome because I feel like it won't just be an awesome experience, it will also be an experience that makes me a better man, a better (God willing) priest, and hopefully a saint.  It's not just an opportunity to see the world, it's an opportunity to increase my faith in God, to trust Him more, to become less attached to the passing things of this life.  

 I had prayed over the past month or so that God - in taking me away from my family and friends - could somehow allow me to love them more, and I'm starting to realize how He is doing that.  Certainly, I won't be able to hang out with them in the same way, but maybe I'll come back a slightly holier person (we can hope!), maybe I'll be reminded to pray for them more, maybe I'll better realize their connection to me in the mystical body of Christ?  It's a more mystical, hard to see, kind of love, but its a better, stronger, more divine way to love at the same time!

 Alright, so back to the present.  I have a few more days at home with the family - which I will use to pack up the last of my stuff (I sure hope it all fits in a suitcase) and spend some quality time with the family and in prayer - and then on Saturday, when everything gets done, I will head down to St. Louis for the afternoon/evening/night before boarding my plane from the airport there on Sunday morning at 9AM.  My flight goes to Newark, where I will wait around for several hours, and then - along with some 40 other new guys heading to the NAC - get on the plane for Rome at 5:15 PM.  After 8 and a half hours of flying (15-something hours on the clock), I will land in Rome!
Just what I needed...

Another update from the very annoying present: my computer just broke (best guess: the power jack, or charging sub-system, or maybe flux capacitor, fried itself), and is now heading across the country for repairs.  Thus, I won't have it for a while in Rome/Assisi.  So, while I hope to get some posts up here, and I really hope to keep Facebook and Flickr up to date on what's going on over there, it may not be as frequent as I'd like.  We'll see...  (God sure is good at making sure I'm detached from things - if anything, the money that I'm going to have to shell out to fix/replace things that I didn't want to fix or replace!)

 Your quick recap of this post:  God is wonderful!  He has given me a wonderful family, and fantastic friends, both of whom I will miss greatly in heading over to Rome.  But, that sacrifice, I am starting to see, is not just a trade-off that comes with studying abroad (a cost, for the benefit of seeing the world), it's also a very real opportunity to grow in love for Christ (as every moment is)!  Please send some prayers my way so that I can continue to realize that truth, and continue to grow more like Christ (I'll reciprocate!)
Read More
, , , , , , , , , , 0 Comments

The End of the Semester and Trusting God with the Future

Well folks, I just finished college!  I managed to survive Monday (which entailed finishing a paper at 2 AM, and knocking out two tough philosophy tests), and then must of us went to the funeral for Joe's brother on Tuesday (hopefully, I can get together a post entirely on that day), so I then had to make up the New Testament test (not too hard because I studied enough for it) and logic (also easier than expected) on Wednesday.  After that, the only final I had remaining was the take-home essay for modern and contemporary philosophy, which was pretty easy (only a few pages long) and only took an hour or two.  

Of course, the difficulties, successes, and completion of finals week isn't enough of a topic for a post regarding the end of the semester and the end of my college career, so I guess I'll spend the rest of this post talking a bit more about the whole experience so far.

To be honest, I've thoroughly, completely, utterly loved seminary over these past two years.  I was scared out of my wits when I showed up, but within hours I had begun to feel the vibe, the energy, the joy, and the intensity of seminary - and I fell in love.  I can't begin to express how wonderful of an experience it has been.  I have learned more than I thought possible - about philosophy, about life, about friendships, about discernment, about faith, about love - and I've enjoyed every moment - including the hard ones, like tests, and dry periods in prayer, and situations that forced me out of my comfort zone, and the awesome ones, like playing in the soccer tournament, those beautiful moments in Mass where everything clicks and it really feels like heaven, going out to eat with some of your best friends, watching countless great movies, spending hours of supreme peace in front of the Blessed Sacrament, study groups.  Yeah, every moment has been phenomenal!  
And now it's all about to change...  On the one hand, I'm excited.  Not only to graduate and enjoy the feeling of completing college, but also to head home (spend some quality time with the family), and then in July to head over to Italy to begin a new (and awesome) chapter in my seminary "career".  Yeah, I'm looking forward to all of it.  But on the other hand, I'm going to miss Brute.  I love the fact that I have a genuine friend in everybody here - something that is going to be much harder when I'm at the PNAC with 250 other guys.  I love the laughter, and music, and singing, and craziness that echos down the halls - this truly is a fun place!  But, on the third hand (whatever that is...), moving on is a bit scary.  Studying in Rome will be fantastic, but it will also be a struggle.  I'll be a long way away from all the great friends I have (here at Brute as well as at home), and my wonderful family - that's hard, it's a sacrifice I wish I didn't have to make...  Most of the guys here at Brute have been moving out yesterday and today and it finally hit me that I won't be seeing a lot of these guys in the near future - it's a happy moment (the semester is over!), but it's also sad.  In 2 months (almost exactly) I'll be doing the same thing with my family and friends back home, and that will be an even more exciting, and even more difficult, moment.  

Still, I'm putting it all in God's hands.  Lord, lead me where you want me, give me the strength to endure the hardships that your vocation entails for me, and grant me the true joy that comes with following You.

The second half of my New Testament final was an exegesis essay on Luke 2:25-35 (the presentation in the temple and Simeon's canticle).  I talked about how Luke's Gospel, all the way through, is looking at how true joy (from God) only comes through a certain amount of suffering, often in self-sacrifice and trusting Him.  Zechariah and Elizabeth experience the pain of not having a child before God gives them one.  Mary is asked to trust God completely, but receives the incarnate joy of Jesus Christ.  Then, arriving at the temple, they are required to offer Jesus back to God, and not only that, but Simeon prophesies that a sword will pierce Mary's heart.  Following God isn't always easy, it isn't always fun; actually it requires sacrifice - only through sacrificing ourselves to Him can He transform us with His joy.  Only through less reliance on ourselves, and more trust in Him, can he replace our pitiable joys with His own.  It's tough to learn - I for sure want to rely on myself, not Him - but ironically, going to Rome - something that I am super excited for - will also end up helping me grow in the trust of God.  God brings good out of evil, but He also bring supernatural good out of our own natural goods (at least, if we let Him).  

Yeah, so I'm excited, and scared, and happy, and unsure - and life continues to spin along.  The future is bright, but a bit unknown at the same time.  Jesus, I trust in You!
Read More
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comments

The Chrism Mass, It's Not About Me... (and that is hard)

Welcome to Holy Week! 

Today myself and the rest of the guys here from my diocese went over to the Cathedral in Springfield for the annual Chrism Mass, which, unsurprisingly, is when the bishop blesses the oils (and consecrates the Sacred Chrism) for the use of all the priests of the diocese throughout the coming year.  However, the Chrism Mass is also where the priests of the diocese renew their dedication to serve the people of the diocese.

Last year I was a new seminarian, heading through my second semester at Brute, and participating in my first big diocesan Mass.  This year I am a senior at Brute, quickly approaching graduation and looking forward to moving onto Theology level seminary next year at the NAC.  It has only been a year but the perspective is completely different.  However, despite all that has happened the past year – the massive increase in knowledge of, and appreciation for, philosophy, the many hours of prayer and discernment, the growth that I have seen happening in myself in all areas, the countless moments of fun and laughter, and everything else – I still found that I have a lot to learn, and discern, and grow… 

Last year I was privileged (at least in my mind) to have the position of holding the book for the Bishop.  I think this position is sometimes disliked because it is so physically demanding (that book gets heavy really fast, and you have to hold it for a long time), but I was new to the whole thing last year, so despite my shaking arms I still enjoyed being in that position immensely just because it gave me a great view of what was going on (in a job that was hard to mess up).  Anyway, this year, because we now have 20+ seminarians, I didn’t have any job during Mass, so I was just going to process in and basically just take in the sights until the end of Mass, when I would help distribute the holy oils.  Well, as it turned out, that (sorta boring) position was providential. 

After practice we had a short break (during which I worked on some homework – did I mention that I am really busy right now), and then a Holy Hour.  After Evening Prayer and Benediction all of us seminarians, along with many of the priests of the diocese went downstairs for a delicious dinner of lasagna, salad, rolls, and green beans.  Before dinner got started however, I managed to talk for a few minutes with my pastor and during the conversation he casually dropped the thought that I may have to be Sub-Deacon during the liturgies of Good Friday and Easter.  Sub-deacon, for those who aren’t familiar, was a minor level of ordination which men went through before being ordained deacons prior to Vatican II, after which point it was suppressed/eliminated.  However, in the Extraordinary Form (which I will be attending for the Easter Triduum), the position is still used in the liturgy.  Usually, it is just filled by a deacon (or priest), but – in the absence of someone who has been ordained – a non-ordained man can fill the role as a sort of “straw” subdeacon.  Still, my immediate reaction was to try and avoid the position.  Not so much because I am scared of what I may have to do, or what I’ll have to learn, but because jumping into that position seems so much closer to priesthood than “just” serving.  The subdeacon wears vestments (of some sort), and assists the priest more directly than your typical server, and so, I just felt really uncomfortable thinking about filling that role.  Sure, an un-ordained person could (canonically) fill the role, but traditionally a seminarian became a subdeacon  only a bit before being ordained Deacon (which is still a few years out for me), so I immediately was thinking about how much I wasn’t ready to jump up to that position.  It’s not like I have all that much choice in the matter – if they don’t have a subdeacon, I’m about all they have – but I still really didn’t want to do it.  Anyway, before the conversation got much further than me realizing that it sounded pretty probable that I’d have to do sub-deacon, the bell rang and off we went to dinner.

Throughout dinner and in the time before Mass that followed I didn’t really have a chance to think about the topic, but during Mass (when I didn’t have much to do except sit there), the thought began to nag at me.  Why didn’t I want to do subdeacon?  Fear? – not a good reason.  Pride? – even worse.  Inexperience? – I’ll get instructions.  Timidity? – not a good reason either.  Not thinking I was ready to fill that position? – not a problem canonically.  My dilemma: I couldn’t find a good reason to not do it, but I still didn’t want to – and that, of course, was my problem.

This job, studying to be a priest, isn’t about me.  It isn’t about what I feel like doing (or not doing), what I’m comfortable with (or not).  I felt the collar pressing against my throat (which I only wear at diocesan Masses, so it’s noticable) – this is a symbol of the priest, of the alter Christi, of me giving my life totally to Christ.  Then my mind came back to the homily and the bishop was talking to all the priests of the diocese about how they must – above any other function – care for the souls of those in their flock.  Their purpose is to serve, to humbly obey.  Gosh, thought I, there is no way I can get myself out of doing subdeacon – there isn’t someone else to do it, there is no canonical problem, fear (my motivator) isn’t coming from God, and the role that I am filling right now, seminarian, is about training for the priesthood, which means serving and obeying.  Basically, there I was trying my best to figure out a way of not becoming like Christ, and that doesn’t really fit with the goal of life which is becoming like Christ.  Jesus didn’t want to suffer, but He says “not my will but thine be done”.  Mary wasn’t ready to become the mother of God, but she said “be it done to me according to your word”.  Peter was a fisherman, he didn't think himself worthy to follow Christ, yet Christ calls him and asks him to become a “fisher of men”.  One of the guys this week gave a reflection on Jesus’ last word “it is finished” and connected it to how Christ gave Himself utterly, completely, absolutely to the Father.  We are called to do the same, to let God “finish” us, to give ourselves absolutely entirely, every moment, every feeling, and every bit of our strength, to Him.  There isn’t another way to follow – it’s all or nothing, it’s either doing God’s will, or ours, there’s nothing in between.  It’s either stepping out of the boat – doing something that we don’t want to, but that Christ calls us to – or turning back and not following Christ.  

Basically, during Mass I realized my continuing need for conversion.  I realized that my fears and desires weren’t directing me towards God, they were directing me away from God.  I don’t want to be subdeacon, but what does God want?  Am I willing to go out of my comfort zone, am I willing to step up to the plate, to not say no when I am asked to do something hard?  Here I am, in the middle of Holy Week, thinking ahead to Good Friday – when Jesus Christ, My God, gave Himself completely for me – and I’m worried about filling the uncomfortable position (for me) of subdeacon.  “Take up your cross!”


Yep, so yesterday was awesome, not only because of the time I got to spend with all the other seminarians from my diocese, and the splendor of the Mass, and the good food we got to eat beforehand, and the Holy Hour that we did with all the priests and bishop, but more importantly because it really forced me to see where I have some progress to make, some converting to do, some legitimate sacrifice to be offered up.  It forced me to realize that following God’s will isn’t always easy – but you have to do it anyway.  Despite the difficulty that I may experience in doing subdeacon, despite my reservations and fears, I am thankful to God that he has called me to do it.  I still don't want to, but I know that it will lead to my growth in humility and obedience, both things that I certainly need more of.  Thank you Lord!
Read More
, , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Pick up your cross! Only there is true joy! (video)


This video - embedded a bit lower in this post - from Fr. Barron really struck me (Seriously, watch it, it's awesome!).  Not only is it well done and has a great sound track, but it also "throws down the gauntlet" of Christianity - that Christ crucified is the epitome of happiness and freedom!  This isn't an easy message - much of the modern world has rejected it - but it is the message of Christ.  That giving oneself completely to God and to others isn't bondage and isn't sorrow, that laying down one's life isn't a loss but a gain.  Folks, this isn't obvious or easy!  The crucifix shows us a man brutally - unthinkably - tortured and murdered, yet that is the sign of our victory, it is in that image that our hope truly lies.  During Lent we are called to unite ourselves - at least in a small way - with Jesus' cross; to pull some of those planks out of our own eyes, to pluck those things out of ourselves that keep us away from Our Lord, to eventually pick up our own cross and follow after Him.  Why?  This seems counter-intuitive.  I don't know about you, but some of those planks are enjoyable and - let's face it - the cross is hard.


Some times I have wondered why Jesus got up after each fall.  Think about it, if you were dragging this heavy cross - the torture device that you are destined to die on - through the windy, steep, cobblestone streets of ancient Jerusalem towards the hill on which you were to be nailed to it so that you would die in indescribably agony, why would you get up once it crushed you into the street?  What pain could the soldiers inflict that would convince you to move, to heave that wooden monstrosity once more onto your back, to begin moving again?  You're just going to die at the end of it all anyway, why not die here?  Of course, the answer is love.  Jesus got up those three times and continued on out of love for you, and love for me.  It must have taken supernatural strength to lift that cross again and again, that supernatural strength is love.  God gives us that same supernatural grace!  Of course, we aren't God and man, like Christ - but God calls us to the same destiny, the same total gift of self, the same unpopular, sometimes painful, apparently difficult task.  Will we die in indescribable anguish on a cross? - probably not.  However, by allowing us the chance to unite our crosses, our struggles, our falls with His, Our Lord offers to unite His resurrection with us.  The only way to the Resurrection is through death on the cross.  The only way that Christ can accept us into Heaven saying "well done, good and faithful servant" is if we were good and faithful.  Both are difficult - being good means following the commands of Christ, being faithful means sticking with Him through all life's difficulties - but both are worth it and both are possible.  Worth it, obviously, because we will spend eternity in complete bliss with God in heaven.  Possible because God pours into us the grace of His love (especially in the Eucharist).  

We must not avoid the cross!  As Fr. Barron proclaims, in the cross is our happiness and our freedom.  Not only in that on the cross Christ bought us freedom from sin and death, and made the happiness of heaven available to us, but the cross in our own lives - the struggles we encounter in life, the planks we have to pull from our eyes, the sins that we must wrestle with, the world that unceasingly opposes living a life centered on Christ - also allows us true happiness and freedom.  Both go together: true freedom leads to true happiness, and true freedom is only found when we have eliminated those addictions, those struggles, those things that keep us from being the person we are really supposed to be.  

We talked today in class (philosophical themes in Catholic authors) about how all ethics eventually boils down to being based on teleology (man using his intellect and will to become who he is supposed to be) or pleasure/pain (man subordinating his intellect to passions, becoming a person who strives only after pleasure).  Of course, the first route is the one shown and given by Christ - us finding that the short term pain of the cross (and everything that goes along with it) leads in the long term to true happiness.  The second route is the one proclaimed by the devil - just eat the apple, make yourself like God; just do what makes you feel good - and it will lead to destruction because inherently we are made for more.  We are made to become sons and daughters of God! 

St. Augustine was right when he said "our hearts are restless until they rest in you [God]".  Folks, no earthly thing, activity, position, past-time, or power will make us truly, perfectly, infinitely, and eternally happy - that happiness can only come from God.  He gives us the model (Christ crucified), the strength (His grace), the reward (happiness with Him), and the freedom to choose - and then He leaves it up to us.  Christ doesn't force us to follow Him, after all His hands are nailed to the cross, but He begs us, He yearns for us, He died for us, so that we could do just that.  God knows where we will be most happy and He became one of us not only to make that happiness available to us but also to show us how we can reach it.   

As for me, bring it on!
Read More
, , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Be Perfect As Your Heavenly Father Is Perfect

Yesterday at Adoration I began to read The Fulfillment of All Desire, by Ralph Martin.  Another guy here at Bruté has gotten a group of us together and we plan to read at least parts of this book and then do a little bit of discussing about it.  I have only gotten a few pages into it, so I don't know yet how it will turn out, but the bits I have read so far have been fantastic.  The author, who apparently was pretty active in the church ever since the Second Vatican Council, has taught many courses on the doctors of the church, so this is his book kind of pulling all their thoughts together on the spiritual life (especially Sts. Catherine of Sienna, Bernard of Clairvaux, Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Theresa of Lisieux, Augustine, and Francis de Sales).
 
I had no idea what the book was all about until I started reading it today, but I found it really interesting because just on Friday St. John of the Cross had come up in the class about philosophical themes in Catholic authors when we were talking about how many of the characters in the stories we were reading didn't seem to have any concern for the important things of life.  Of course, many times I catch myself doing the same things, but it is funny to step back and see how these characters get all worked up about these really trivial things - that their clothes are perfect, that they have control over the family vacation, that they know what other people are doing all the time, etc. - and never think about what their life should be about.  It's interesting because we have been hitting this question (what's the point?) all semester so far in this class, but always from the philosophical angle.  

Super summary: everything has a point, a reason for which it exists, (a telic end if you want to be philosophical), but as humans it is up to us to figure out this end and live our life in a way that brings us to it.  Aristotle, who we've been covering quite a bit, says that the end of humans is happiness, and to get there we have to perfect our intellect through acquiring the moral and intellectual virtues (basically, using our intellect to govern over our emotions, so that we live rationally).  Aquinas takes this idea to the next level by enriching it with Catholicism and saying that human happiness is best found in God (eventually in the Beatific Vision in Heaven), and to reach this kind of happiness we must have the moral, intellectual, and theological virtues (which are our connection with God and are given as a gift to us by God).  Furthermore, we have to live according to intellect and will, which allows us to choose to believe and live our lives according to things that are beyond our intellect (not that having faith, hope, and love is irrational, but it can't be fully explained by our reason).

Now, back to our conversation in class, we were talking about how these characters seemed to have no virtues at all - not that they were all evil, they just didn't use their reason to ask the big questions (and seek the big answers) of what they really should be doing, but only to argue, scheme, find pleasure, and whatever else that obviously won't lead them to true happiness (and in the stories doesn't).  Anyway, one of the guys brought up the fact that St. John of the Cross had said to consider our death.  Not in a morbid - I wonder how and when I'll die - king of thing, but as a reminder that we will die and need to make sure that we are ready.  We only talked about it for a minute or two (class was already, as usual, over time), but afterwards as we were walking out I complained a bit how I wish I was reading stuff from these great saints.  So often I read about technological, theological, scientific, philosophical, liturgical, even scriptural topics, but I really haven't read much on the spiritual topics.  Of course, all those other kinds of knowledge can feed into one's relationship with God (especially the scriptural or theological ones), but they aren't telling you how others have become saints or the way that one should work on becoming a saint.  So, long story short, I was intrigued by this mention of St. John of the Cross and thought that I would have to look him up and perhaps start reading some of his writings.
 
Now, connecting in the other piece here quickly.  Today at Mass, in both the reading from the Old Testament (Leviticus 19:1-2, 17-18) and the Gospel (Matthew 5:38-48) we hear something very similar.  From the Old Testament: "be holy as I, the LORD your God, is holy" and then Jesus, in the Gospel, says "be perfect just as your heavenly Father is perfect".  Martin, the author of this book that I have begun to read, starts his very first chapter by saying that this quote (from Our Lord) is the summation of all of His teachings.  We are to become holy and perfect.  What's it mean to be holy?  "To be holy is not primarily a matter of how many Rosaries we say of how much Christian activity we're engaged in; it's a matter of having a heart transformed into a heart of love." [Martin, Ralph. The Fulfillment of All Desire. Page 2]  He immediately tempers this statement by noting that, as Blessed (soon to be Saint) John Paul II said, with the current secularization of the world it is more important and necessary than prayer be central to our lives because we just don't have the support of a Christian society anymore.  But, prayer isn't just for prayer's sake, it's for our relationship with God and becoming holy because of it.  From here, both John Paul and the author move into the mystics, pointing out that it is here that we can find examples of people who had an incredible union with God, and that we are also called to have this kind of deep, complete, relationship with Him.  Of course, this seems impossible, but again, JPII has something to say about this:
It is a journey totally sustained by grace, which nonetheless demands an intense spiritual commitment and is no stranger to painful purifications (the "dark night").  But it leads, in various possible ways, to the ineffable joy experienced by the mystics. [Page 4.  Quoting from Novo Millennio Ineunte 32]

Martin then lays out four requirements of the spiritual journey, as outlined by John Paul II.  First, reliance on God and His grace.  We absolutely can't take this journey on our own, but the good news is that God loves us so much that He yearns to bring us to Himself and will sustain us with His grace so that we can do just that.  Second, reliance on God doesn't mean not doing anything yourself.  It's like the pearl of great price, God is trying to give us the pearl but we have to give up things, and do some digging, to receive it.  Third, we have to realize that the path toward union with God (that perfection and holiness that we are called to) will entail pain.  We can't reach the resurrection with the cross, we can't get to God without giving up the things that are distracting or preventing us from following Him.  Finally, we must always keep in mind that this pain is infinitely worth it, the gift that God offers us is perfect, everlasting happiness, what could possibly be more worthwhile than that? 

The last little bit that I read today was about how this call goes into effect right now.  Holiness starts now, no matter how busy you are, no matter how much other stuff you are worried about.  Much like those characters in the stories, we (OK, at least I) get distracted with the many worries and pleasures of life that really have no bearing on eternal life (or even the rest of my earthly life)  We have to realize that there is a bigger picture, a more important goal, something that we really have to get working on.  Paul, in the second reading also speaks to this, saying that we are the temples of the Holy Spirit.  We need to live like it!  

Becoming holy isn't easy, it requires hard work, some suffering, and reliance on God (because we can't become perfect on our own), but it is totally worth it!  As Pope Francis said in his homily recently after making the new cardinals, sanctity isn't just for us either: "[t]o be a saint is not a luxury. It is necessary for the salvation of the world".   Get on it folks!
 
I have a feeling this book will be really good, I can't wait to read more!  
Read More
, , , , , , , , , , 0 Comments
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)