Welcome to Holy Week!
Today myself and the rest of the guys here from my diocese
went over to the Cathedral in Springfield for the annual Chrism Mass, which,
unsurprisingly, is when the bishop blesses the oils (and consecrates the Sacred
Chrism) for the use of all the priests of the diocese throughout the coming
year. However, the Chrism Mass is also
where the priests of the diocese renew their dedication to serve the people of
the diocese.
Last year I was a new seminarian, heading through my second
semester at Brute, and participating in my first big diocesan Mass. This year I am a senior at Brute, quickly
approaching graduation and looking forward to moving onto Theology level
seminary next year at the NAC. It has
only been a year but the perspective is completely different. However, despite all that has happened the
past year – the massive increase in knowledge of, and appreciation for,
philosophy, the many hours of prayer and discernment, the growth that I have
seen happening in myself in all areas, the countless moments of fun and
laughter, and everything else – I still found that I have a lot to learn, and
discern, and grow…
Last year I was privileged (at least in my mind) to have the
position of holding the book for the Bishop.
I think this position is sometimes disliked because it is so physically
demanding (that book gets heavy really fast, and you have to hold it for a long
time), but I was new to the whole thing last year, so despite my shaking arms I
still enjoyed being in that position immensely just because it gave me a great
view of what was going on (in a job that was hard to mess up). Anyway, this year, because we now have 20+
seminarians, I didn’t have any job during Mass, so I was just going to process
in and basically just take in the sights until the end of Mass, when I would
help distribute the holy oils. Well, as
it turned out, that (sorta boring) position was providential.
After practice we had a short break (during which I worked
on some homework – did I mention that I am really
busy right now), and then a Holy Hour.
After Evening Prayer and Benediction all of us seminarians, along with
many of the priests of the diocese went downstairs for a delicious dinner of
lasagna, salad, rolls, and green beans.
Before dinner got started however, I managed to talk for a few minutes
with my pastor and during the conversation he casually dropped the thought that
I may have to be Sub-Deacon during the liturgies of Good Friday and
Easter. Sub-deacon, for those who aren’t
familiar, was a minor level of ordination which men went through before being
ordained deacons prior to Vatican II, after which point it was
suppressed/eliminated. However, in the
Extraordinary Form (which I will be attending for the Easter Triduum), the
position is still used in the liturgy.
Usually, it is just filled by a deacon (or priest), but – in the absence
of someone who has been ordained – a non-ordained man can fill the role as a
sort of “straw” subdeacon. Still, my
immediate reaction was to try and avoid the position. Not so much because I am scared of what I may
have to do, or what I’ll have to learn, but because jumping into that position
seems so much closer to priesthood than “just” serving. The subdeacon wears vestments (of some
sort), and assists the priest more directly than your typical server, and so, I
just felt really uncomfortable thinking about filling that role. Sure, an un-ordained person could (canonically) fill the role, but
traditionally a seminarian became a subdeacon only a bit before being ordained
Deacon (which is still a few years out for me), so I immediately was thinking
about how much I wasn’t ready to jump up to that position. It’s not like I have all that much choice in
the matter – if they don’t have a subdeacon, I’m about all they have – but I
still really didn’t want to do it.
Anyway, before the conversation got much further than me realizing that
it sounded pretty probable that I’d have to do sub-deacon, the bell rang and
off we went to dinner.
Throughout dinner and in the time before Mass that followed
I didn’t really have a chance to think about the topic, but during Mass (when I
didn’t have much to do except sit there), the thought began to nag at me. Why didn’t I want to do subdeacon? Fear? – not a good reason. Pride? – even worse. Inexperience? – I’ll get instructions. Timidity? – not a good reason either. Not thinking I was ready to fill that
position? – not a problem canonically. My dilemma: I couldn’t find a good reason to
not do it, but I still didn’t want to – and that, of course, was my problem.
This job, studying to be a priest, isn’t about me. It isn’t about what I feel like doing (or not
doing), what I’m comfortable with (or not).
I felt the collar pressing against my throat (which I only wear at
diocesan Masses, so it’s noticable) – this is a symbol of the priest,
of the alter Christi, of me giving my
life totally to Christ. Then my mind
came back to the homily and the bishop was talking to all the priests of the diocese
about how they must – above any other function – care for the souls of those in
their flock. Their purpose is to serve,
to humbly obey. Gosh, thought I, there is no way I can get
myself out of doing subdeacon – there isn’t someone else to do it, there is no
canonical problem, fear (my motivator) isn’t coming from God, and the role that
I am filling right now, seminarian, is about training for the priesthood, which
means serving and obeying. Basically, there I was trying my best to figure out a way of not becoming like Christ, and that
doesn’t really fit with the goal of life which is becoming like Christ. Jesus didn’t want to suffer, but He says
“not my will but thine be done”. Mary
wasn’t ready to become the mother of God, but she said “be it done to me
according to your word”. Peter was a
fisherman, he didn't think himself worthy to follow Christ, yet Christ calls him and asks him
to become a “fisher of men”. One of the
guys this week gave a reflection on Jesus’ last word “it is finished” and
connected it to how Christ gave Himself utterly, completely, absolutely to the
Father. We are called to do the same, to
let God “finish” us, to give ourselves absolutely entirely, every moment, every
feeling, and every bit of our strength, to Him.
There isn’t another way to follow – it’s all or nothing, it’s either
doing God’s will, or ours, there’s nothing in between. It’s either stepping out of the boat – doing
something that we don’t want to, but that Christ calls us to – or turning back
and not following Christ.
Basically, during Mass I realized my continuing need for
conversion. I realized that my fears and
desires weren’t directing me towards God, they were directing me away from
God. I
don’t want to be subdeacon, but what does God want? Am I willing to go out of my comfort zone, am
I willing to step up to the plate, to not say no when I am asked to do
something hard? Here I am, in the middle
of Holy Week, thinking ahead to Good Friday – when Jesus Christ, My God, gave
Himself completely for me – and I’m worried about filling the uncomfortable
position (for me) of subdeacon. “Take up
your cross!”
Yep, so yesterday was awesome, not only because of the time
I got to spend with all the other seminarians from my diocese, and the splendor
of the Mass, and the good food we got to eat beforehand, and the Holy Hour that
we did with all the priests and bishop, but more importantly because it really
forced me to see where I have some progress to make, some converting to do,
some legitimate sacrifice to be offered up.
It forced me to realize that following God’s will isn’t always easy – but
you have to do it anyway. Despite the difficulty that I may experience in doing subdeacon, despite my reservations and fears, I am thankful to God that he has called me to do it. I still don't want to, but I know that it will lead to my growth in humility and obedience, both things that I certainly need more of. Thank you Lord!
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